Be still and know that he's God.

2011-04-15T12:53:00.000+08:00

I cant lack of sleep, a bit maybe still ok bah.
Health really is a problems.

Back for an update.

2011-04-13T13:45:00.002+08:00

Hi everybody, i'm back!

Life always so challenging and exciting for me.

And really thank God for watever i hav and R 2day.

Without God, U definitely wont be able to see me here again.

Church life is very essential and i'm really grateful to bro & sis, leaders and Pastors who nv give up on me.

From my family background.....my illness and watever i hav, they make me really special and unique.

Bible at 2Cor 8:12

¹² For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have.

Somehow 3rd bro hav not been at hm these few days, i did mentioned to him that after he got money from goverment he should return me my $300. Donno he will or not.

Mum bday on 28th Apr, i took leave on tat day.

Was think to organise small party and ask church come, donno practical or not.

She always mention Nat and WeiJie name, ask her go church see them she oso don wan.

Haha!

She's turning 50, the biggest and greatest present will still be salvation.

June 17th to 21st be having church camp at JB.

Oct 17th to 4th Nov be having 3 weeks ICT.

Dec going mission trip at Chiang Rai.

Next yr i must go for part time studies, still not sure which sch yet.

Will keep all the above things in prayers.

God will lead the way.

2010-06-17T00:35:00.001+08:00

Recently my health cmi.

Back have been aching now and then., pain goes to my private part oso.
Its affect my working abilities, sleeping and urine control.

Anyway, mum crying to me nw.
She's been having "feng shi", and tat's make her hand swollen.
Cant work but went to work, hse work...etc..
Say no one give her money.

Back to my main post...
I got only 8oo plus for may pay, cos started work 2nd week of May and got dengue.
Then, just paying for electricities...town council...internet...hse mortage loan 700 like tat gone.
Yest HDB called again, asking when will we pay the mortage loan as we been accumulated 1000 plus over alr.
Was suggested either to go to MP in my area to tel them our situation and ask help to get 3 or 1 room rental flat or to put my name in tis flat and deduct my CPF.
And was urged to pay at least 1 month by 2day (wed) oso, tat's why pay bills until 700 plus.

Work quite heavy oso, more and more stuffs to do and learn.
I don wish to work OTs lehx...cos no OTs pay de. :(
Then work oso accumulating everyday.
Back pain, not enough sleep affects my absorb and learning abilities.

I'm like only one paying so many things struggle to live and my pay only $1400, tis thought do come to my mind.
I deeply kno God has His plan on me.
耶29：11 耶和华说：我知道我向你们所怀的意念是赐平安的意念，不是降灾祸的意念，要叫你们末后有指望。

Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
God will surely lead our way if we believes in Him, tat's where faith comes by.
And all these yrs he's been working thru me be it in church or family,
if not i definitely cant imaging how i will be like nw.

Ok! gonna sleep, 12 plus 2mor sure die. =.=

God's leading.

2010-06-05T03:27:00.000+08:00

Dengue fever really quite a big experience to hav, and for tis period I kno better wat’s God’s will for me.
For arnd 1 whole week of weakness wif fever and headache,
eat oso felt like vomiting and diarrhea man.

Ppl usually do wrong when they R too free, nth to do or think too much.
Though most of the times I win over temptation, I still hav to becareful of wat cannot be done.
My body hav sin though not my mind.
I thk God for these days I’m able to get close to Him thru prayers and thinking.
But I’m weak and feel guilt over sins I hav.
There’s lots of challengers ahead, may I get closer to God and do things wif God’s blessings.

Hav been owing quite a few debts in regards of electricities and housing.
Mother will only cry to me.
2nd bro been having conflicts wif public bus drivers just becos he don wan to pay for bus ride.
3rd bro nv find job, been eating and sleeping at hm and even ask frens to hse during late nite.
Its been yrs after so many things hav happened, God surely hav His plan for putting me in tis family.
Tsk...i'm only the youngest child in the family and i'm oso a normal human.
But i'm sure God will lead me thru my future family, work and studies.

Sian ahh...

2010-04-27T22:36:00.002+08:00

I feel like shit these days. Dragging myself to work, interview, church and any other places. I really really feel like taking a rest fr all the things, even thought of surrendering myself to IMH and stay there for a few days. Isolate…..wan to cry…wan to shout….

U understand wat is depressions?

Whether I get transfer to other warehouse or fri be my last day, will see 2mor interview at tuas warehouse bah. So hope to stop work immediately. ZZzzzzzz Sian !!

Take up or give up.

2010-04-18T00:24:00.000+08:00

After i came back fr mission trip, worse things to face is to go back CEVA and work.
Many ppl say tis and tat, but they donno wat i mind most.
Mental hurts R usually wat ppl don sense.

Frankly speaking, i don mind and feel great abt the work U kno.
If the '2 sis' nv constantly hurts me for past 3 mths and makes me stuck in only 1 area of work, i wouldnt react like tat man.
Without them, i can work freely on my own.
With them i only hav sense of fears and totally no sense of security.

Anyway, i feel so lousy.
Take up wif wat U hav to face and give up is just a line drawn.
Some ppl sit down on high buiding still thinking whether should they jump down not.
Some ppl to the extend alr made the decision, maybe cos they totally feel helpless and no hope.
Sometimes i wonder is i'm holding on to church and God or its they draging me to move on.

U kno i miss those days w/o so much burden and things.
When in army, weekdays i stay in camp then only weekends i'm out for hm and church.
When in sch, life so much diff and like got so many ppl arnd.
Hahahas.

Just wan to end tat i will and definitely make end of tis mth my last day in CEVA, whether i found a job not.
If nv found a job, i don mind taking a rest and pack up my messy hse.

Mission trip.

2010-04-05T00:32:00.001+08:00

MUST WATCH !! And comment !

Zzzzzzzz

2010-03-29T19:39:00.000+08:00

Been taking mc, searching for jobs and going for interviews until demoralizing man.

Really no moral in work, God please open a way for me.

Family...work..??

2010-03-27T23:08:00.003+08:00

Yest back to work, so tired and a bit forget abt work le cos too many days mc.

I just focus on wat i hav to do, do finish jiu zhao!
Like trying to aviod the "2 sister".
Mon going ST Synthesis 2nd interview in the moring and Sing Post in the afternooon.
At 1st tried applying half day leave cos Sing Post interview was in the morning oso.
Ended up Supervisor secretly told me tat he cant approve my leave cos its quarter end and will be not fair for the others, just then Sing Post oso changed to afternoon so doesnt matter whether leave approve not.
Hav to take mc on mon again lorx..lols..

Acutally hav to go ping pong practice but end up cancel cos of some ppl cant make it.
Planned to watch some show and play some games then leave abt 1 hr for QT.

Mum back hm arnd 9pm.
She keeps talking abt hse, money, bro, dad..etc..
So sian sia, keeps saying we nv give her money....
Money not enough..she use those money not for her own but family..
Wan to change smaller hse cos cant afford...and lots more....

Feel so heavy one lehx...she keep throw probs and burdens to me.
I'm oso human and hav my own probs mah..
Tat's why i say, like no area is stable nw.
Hopefully can find a suitable job, settle down and work long bah..

Mum 1140 then finally stop talking and went to her room.
She will nv understand wat kinds of probs i'm facing eps at work.
Thk God 2day work nv face much difficulties.

Update.

2010-03-23T23:03:00.004+08:00

1st to 7th hav been real busy wif work and almost everyday ot.
Worked everyday even sun and its seems meaningless without settle down on a job.
8th to 14th started quite heavy as my only buddy at work who can help me found a job and is leaving early next month.
He's been in company for 3 yrs plus and all these while most things he will cover me when i do wrong or wat, he oso encouraged me alot out of all those scolding and insulting fr the "2 sisters".
Nw tat he's leaving, i feel so so so very de no sense of security sia..Hais...
He has been not wanting to work ot then tis month oso end quarter then lots of work sia, then the phobia of getting scold of insult is there how to hav motivation to work?
Later do wrong again how? More work more scare will do wrong lehx..

15th to 21st hav been rejecting ot and leave office on time wif him and another girl.
Though back hm early but feel super sian.
2nd bro as usual and mum again drunk almost even day la !!
1st thing i do when reach hm is to switch on com, then will play C.S, watch some show and other things.
I hav no motivation to live la...
Failure in too many things.

No more dad, 3rd bro in prison then missing his presence at hm, cant find a prem job and settle down, still hav to continue study, hav quite a few health probs, owe quite a few debts and then 2nd bro and mum.
Totally draging myself to live only, whether at hm, work, outside or even church.
I hav to admit tat i don feel God in my life anymore.
Thought of buying a brand new purpose driven life to read, but does tat helps?
I don dare to die on my own, but i don think someone will kill me either.
Sometimes really ques my identity in tis family.
Or i should say i don wish to take up my identities and responsibilities?
Why not U try to be me for at least 1 yr?

20th (sat) went prison visit 3rd bro wif mum, his pastor, a church sis, his mentor and mentor wife.
Tis is the 2nd time i and my mum go visit my 3rd bro.
Since the 1st time i hav to provide my birth cert to confirm my identity as his bro, i haven been spending time searching for my birth cert....LOL...
Tis time round i even misplaced the visit card, late to meet pastor and even nv confirm the limit of ppl to go in.
Ended up only 3 ppl can go in, tat's my mum, 3rd bro mentor and me.
Then 3rd bro pastor and the church sis went back.
I feel so bad, can imagine how heavy is my responsibilities?

Current job is my 1st prem job lehx, of cos would hope to settle down and somemore pay wise not bad.

Just tat too many failure then everytime do wrong got scolded and insulted became phobia alr, then my tat buddy oso leaving.
Will see wether i can find suitable and similar pay or not, or maybe sign on as Army Logistic?
Else stay in tis company lorx..
See how bah...hais...

Then afternoon went church for gathering.
In CG we talked abt faith.
As i will continue attending church, hope life will be more better for me soon.

Mon and tues having 3 interviews, but only let close colleagues kno.
I asked my supervisor whether i can take leave on tues or not alr, but cos tis month is quarter month then too busy so not allow.

Will take mc then, hahas !

Mon actually having a healthcare store keeper interview de, the TTSH HR say will send email to me but nv lehx..
yest went work as usual then when reached tampanies i called TTSH HR to confirm the interview.

They say its confirmed la, i was like a bit unprepared.
Was thnking how to tel my supervisor abt me taking 2 days mc.
I smsed him tat i'm not feeling and will see doc later, he didnt ask other things and said Take cares tel him how many days mc again.
Went to the interview, its store-keeper a physically fit person they looking for.
Asked me whether can carry arnd 30kg of cartons daily not, and its lot of cartons. =.=
I told them i cant, then end of interview.
After tat went yishun polyclinic see doc for mc.
Somehow got a terrible back pain after i woke up, then the doc say might be a spain and hopefully just muscles not bones.
Ended up don hav to think of any lies or reasons to get 2 day mc, haha! Thk God!

2day woke up 8.30am then went Kallang interview and its went quite well.

After tat reached hm arnd 12 plus.
Arnd 2pm went Seletar there de ST Aerospace for interview, donno how. Hahas!
Then ST Kinetic called me for interview on thurs afternoon, their job offer sound interesting to me lehx..
BUt i alr taken 2 days mc then thurs donno how sia.
Feel very stuck.
Like cant go any other interview until April le..
Then it seems hard to get a new job be4 mission trip, i'm quite sure they will re-consider after telling them i going mission trip fr 8th to 13th April. =.=
Zzzzzz.......

Should i try find a way to go for thurs interview or reject it?
Aiyoyo..
A bit back to sian-ness again sia, don feel like facing so many stupid things.

Missing In Action.

2010-03-20T21:49:00.000+08:00

Will be MIA, anything find me thru hp, msn or facebook bah.

Where does ur life values come from?

2010-02-28T23:01:00.003+08:00

Where does ur life values come from?
2day sermon really hit me alot.

I lost track in life and searching for some things,
like love...understanding...feel of security...肯定..etc..
Who am i?
Often i really feel very tired of facing almost everything, keep running.
Living in medications and going doc appt and appt.
I do hate myself for being so lousy, maybe the biggest enemy is myself bah.
Always unable to fulfill my goals.

We cant expect ppl in an enviroment to meet our needs.
Like work, sch, family, church, outside..etc..
Everyone trying to meet each other needs?
We only don hav to meet God's need.

约书亚1：5 你一生的日子必没有一人能在你面前立得住；我怎样与摩西同在，也必照样与你同在；我决不离开你，也不离弃你。
Joshua 1:5 No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Seriously if not for God,
i surely wont be able to live until 2day.
I will try harder to digest Jer 29:11.

Start Afresh!

2010-02-16T01:36:00.007+08:00

Yes, gonna start afresh!

Currently working as admin logsitic at CEVA Frieght, 3rd bro in prison 3 or up to 6 months, 2nd bro still struggling wif his cleaner job and keep talking abt past and celebrities. And mum still working as army cleaner, always wan her freedom, keep talking abt money and don wan ppl to care abt her.

Seriously too many unknown things and U got to face current things wif positively mind set.

Past week i cant take how 2 of my senior treat me, i tears out after work. Of cos thought of finding a new job or tranfers to other dept or warehse, but i interviewed other similar jobs be4 they offer only 1200++. Then abt transfering hav to be after confirmations. Nw hav to pray tat i get to go mission trip on april cos i start work on 11 Jan and 3 months probations, somemore probations may extend due to work performance.
Then everytime i got doc appt and hav to go prison visit 3rd bro need to apply half day leave la!

Didnt had a gd CNY.
Among all my cousins and my family all other cousins study in at least a poly or jc, they speaks in eng and guys either officer or commando in army...girls teachers...etc...
So as usual went eldest uncle hse on 1st day then get ques alot.
Thk God i went late, so only kena a bit.
But mum and 2nd bro kena until almost quarrel wif uncles and aunties, and mum and 2nd bro almost quarrel tis morning as they brought out wat happened again.

Fr 2008 19th May, alr missing dad and nw 3rd in prison.
U will feel really differents in the hse.

Too many things to think abt, but i hav to stay positively awake and not negatively down.
I wan to look at wat i hav and tresure them!
And i really thk God tat everything 2day.

Wanna share wif U all 2 verses which i hav been holding on to.

耶 29：11 因我自己知道我为你们所定的计划，是使你们得平安，而不是遭受灾祸的计划；要赐给你们美好的前程和盼望。』这是耶和华的宣告。
Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

赛 41：10 不要惧怕，因为我与你同在；不要四处张望，因为我是你的上帝，我必坚固你，我必帮助你；我必用公义的右手扶持你。
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Sorry Lord,
i hav been numb to all things arnd me for yrs.
I thk You tat You nv give up on me and my family.
Couldnt imagine lives without You, Lord.
Nw a new yr, i wan to come to You, look upon You and draw strength fr You.
Please forgive me, help me and guide me.
Facing wif things ahead, i can do all things through Jesus Christ who strenghten me!
Thk You Lord, cos U R the one in control.

2010

2010-01-04T21:20:00.001+08:00

2010

Sometimes i hav the urge......

2009-10-17T22:40:00.002+08:00

i sometimes really hav the urge to either commit suicide or kill my bro and mum then kill myself.

Hav been having these kind of thoughts.

No motivations at hm but negative thoughts.

BUT, i really thk God tat i kno him 8 yrs ago.

If not, i really cant last until nw and still holding on, church is my hse.

Yest mum suspected 3rd bro glue sniff but he denied and gave attitude.

After mum left, he said tat guy fren come here stay cos fight wif his mum,

cant let him sleep on street and must help since is his fren.

He said he nv glue sniff, its my mum anyhow say and she even say they inject drugs.

He said he nv let those very bad frens come our hse, its they wan come in de.

He said he asked them must keep volume down but they don listen oso.

He said he keep trying to find jobs but very hard to find,

somemore every tues and thurs hav to go amk report to police.

He oso said he hav to dye back his hair cos police scolded him le,

he keep asking money fr me to dye hair or cut botak.

I soft hearted and gave him $5 to expect him cut botak, then went hse visit le.

Next thing mum called me saying caught him glue sniffing again,

and said wan call police asked if i wan go back.

i told her i at hse visit wont be going back so early, asked her call police her own bah.

Main reason is tat i donno who to believe...hais,,,,

Next min police called me saying he caught my bro wif the glue and be bringing him back.

He say he will contact me abt my 3rd bro again and asked me go back cos mum very upset.

i nv really take it to heart, cos mum always like tat de.

After tat mum called asking when i'm going back then she go sleep.

i wanted feel emo and tears out during the visit de, but control myself.

Back hm mum haven sleep, she emo and wanna cry again....hais..

Then just nw abt 10 plus, he came back wif 3 girls.

Yest he nv bring his keys wif him, so keep knocking on the door and knocked hardly.

i see its him wif 3 girls then nv open the door.

Mum came out of room then told her go see she don wan.

He left and came back alone to knock the door again.

Then mum opened door for him saying he's alone only.. =.=

He rushed in take my food and eat then took his keys and left.

Really donno wat tis mum doing man..

Can understand its her son, maybe she don bear to kick him out of hse.....BUT...

Really donno wat to say, next time tis happen i let her handle le.

Nw he use his msn scold me valgur and say he's my Lord,

maybe its his frens using his acc who knos?

Its nv gd feeling being cheated, stuck and helpless,

everyone needs God.

Being waken up by fighting sound.

2009-09-30T00:17:00.002+08:00

I hav been tearing or hav been feeling like tearing the whole week.

Things got complicated until i lazy and donno how to post.

My depression is like girls de PMS, will look for me at least once a month.

Thoughts of ending my life did came, its real tired living tis way sometimes.

2day just back hm fr work, 2nd bro alr keep talking and

complaining to me abt 3rd bro, past and our parents. He can talk non-stop man...

Arnd 8pm plus, mum came back.

She oso complaining abt 3rd bro and how hard is her life.

I was like O_O Don think can hav quiet time.

9pm plus went to sleep but 2nd bro asked when i sleeping so early.

I told him i hav to work and i'm very tired, then i got a peaceful sleep.

Arnd 1210am 2nd and 3rd bro fighting and shouting,

heard mum asking them to stop and

2nd bro actually came into room and told me he called police.

So no choice but to wake up.

2nd and 3rd bro provoked each others again then

2nd bro use a bowl of warm water to throw at 3rd bro and

3rd bro hit 2nd bro then the bowl dropped on floor and broke.

Police came, 2nd bro told them abt how 3rd bro took his ex belt.

Police ques here and there.

Anw my mum oso very wat de,

a while agree to report police, but in front of police said diff stories. =_=

How to help?? U tel me..............

1am plus le, hav a urge of taking a walk outside and cry.

Its going down again !

2009-09-23T19:42:00.003+08:00

Ya..everything in the family R so sian and negative.

3rd bro bring frens back hm again, make until hse so noisy.

They don sleep at nite de.

Use com, play musics/ videos, talking loud loud and even do cooking when ppls sleeping.

Yest made until my mum, 2nd bro and me waken up by them arnd 2am plus.

Tis 3rd bro really makes me lose my patients, see him only sian.

i work until so tired, only give me troubles.

Mum called me afternoon saying she's not enough sleep and fell down.

Just nw came back hm see my things and cardboard i kno he anyhow touch

and even throw my things away. ARGH !!!!!

Its church things and ppl wrote de card la !

Somehow don feel like working and doing wat i should again.

Yest dropped tears at work place.

Feel so sian and emo, keep feel like stop and cry.

Ok, gonna get more sleep and rest.

Update..

2009-09-03T01:45:00.010+08:00

Went to Nigel's birthday chalet just nw,

helped him wif a bit of decor and start fire for bbq.

I did rest a while in the room in the afternoon..hahas..

Went back Marsiling Sec for t-chers day.

5yrs since then its my 1st time go back..hahas..

3rd bro still the same

Nv sleep at nite,

keep using com or even scroll arnd at nite.

He's been in and out of police station w/o we knowing,

but we estimate it when he's not hm early morning.

Tel me he's finding job,

sometimes ask me for money to take transport but still buy glue.

Of cos he deny buying and sniffing la...hais...

becos of tat even wan fight wif us.

The day i stop work, once again realised family burden so heavy.

i missed my dad seriously.

Work to feed everyone in family is like no moral,

reach hm after work they just sit down there wait for foods and money.

Don feel like working, but hav to work.

Will skip 2mor distributing of flyers, hopefully they donno...hahas...

distributing of flyers is nv a easy job.

Next week start a temp job at may bank still donnO much abt do wat yet,

its $6/hr Mon to Fri 8.45am to 6.15Pm.

Hav been having tat pain still...argh...

feeling like running away again?

2009-08-12T00:22:00.003+08:00

Feel so sian, like crying and don wanna sleep nw.

i kno, tis is my weakness.

Just only, 3rd bro kena caught by police outside hse for glue sniff la!!

But tis is a reg probs, most impt is tat they will still let him out!!

Its nv ending U kno? Wat is Singapore law man?

I alr hav lots of patients la..

Just nw i asked the police, wat if no one will to bail my bro out?

He say he surely will find someone to bail him out de.

So, wat's the use of bringing him back?

Bringing him back just becos someone reported police?

Tis is STUPID!!

i called 3rd bro church leader and tel him,

he even said tat 3rd bro can bail himself out la...

Tis is Sooo ridiculous man..

They wanted 3rd bro go The Hidding Place de, but he refused.

Found a job for him, he worked 2 days then caught by police again.

Why cant police just do smth xtra to bring him somewhere tat can help him?

Imagine U see ur bro keep kena caught by police?

And how ur mum and other bro react?

But nevertherless, God is wif me...somehow.

Should i control my tears?

Frankly speaking, sometimes getting sick of getting mum's calls.

But i hav to understand wat she needs la.

Let's not give up fr going to God, cos He loves, understand and cares for us.

My strenght comes fr who???

My strenght comes fr the who created the world,

and becos of loves he sent His only son to died for us.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Thk God.

2009-08-02T00:55:00.002+08:00

2day ya, work haven been very smooth but can see God's leading.

Somehow still can finish work just nice at 3pm, just tat a bit rush to get changed. Hahas...

Arnd 12pm mum called saying 3rd bro out of police station le,

he's hm and went coffee shop asked mum for $$ to eat but went glue sniff again.

I can understand such habits cant change overnite de,

like who nv done wrong again and again wor...

Just tat such things he done affects and involve too many things and ppl le.

Back hm arnd 10pm after going centre copy things,

just switch on com only he came back.

He say he found a job at pasta need arnd $100 to buy a few black pants and safety boots.

Not tat i don trust him, i oso wish to give him chances to prove himself mah..

After tat keep asking me whether i eaten not,

i told him i ate a cup of porridge in church and a bubble tea at centre.

Actually he no $$ eat and haven eat, hahas.

Then go down withdraw $$ and accompany him buy dinner.

Found out tat he loss quite lots of weight and like skinnier than me le,

he actually fatter than me de. I do feel sad.

Asked him wan buy drinks or not and all tat.

He told me he very sian, tat's why glue sniff,

reason why he nv kena anything cos so long as U glue sniff nv disturb ppl jiu ok le.

I was like HUH...like tat oso can.

Keep encourage him sian no need glue sniff de,

i oso always sian de...hahas.

He starting work mon, pray tat he can work and give thk's.

I just find its amazing tat no matter how sian i oso nv do such big things.

Sometimes just find myself so special in God's plan,

but sometimes keep relying on myself so wanna run away and give up in life.

Pls teach and guide me Lord, i wan to come back to you.

Thk God for ur plan, i can see tat You really wan me to learn how to rely on You.

Wat a day.

2009-07-28T23:05:00.005+08:00

2day a terrible day.

mum called me 2pm plus saying 3rd bro wan $10 fr her to cut hair,

i asked her to accompany him to the shop and pay for him.

Working just back hm only 3rd bro using com,

Hais..he always at hm can use com donno fr wat time to wat time.

Like tat still nvm,

he actually teased me sayiing " Wahahahas, so tired wor.."

I was like so angry inside me,

only give troubles, nv work, everyday only use com..etc..

But i too tired, penny of thoughts then fell asleep. Lols...

He saw me back hm faster shut off com then secretly went out.

His pastor came look for him, found him downstair and talked wif him,

but gave attitude again.

Arnd 8pm plus mum called saying 3rd bro being caught glue sniff at market,

went into a police car le and his church leaders oso called her.

Cried on the phone, saying she very heart pain.

Arnd 10pm, my terrible pain come again.

Arnd 11pm, mum came back drunk wif her fren accompany.

Keep talking to me, i cant talk much cos in pain mah..hais...

Then she say i oso don wan her liao. =.=

She actually asked everyone she kno whether she can commit suicide or not.

She keeps talking abt money,

say 3rd bro nv give her $$ and ask me to give her $$ regularly.

She oso say 3rd bro took her $10 nv go cut hair and think he go buy glues,

then she oso nv accompany him to the shop..hais..

Not possible wan me to look after so many ppl mah..

Argh...she's keep talking to me and asking me ques while i'm so unwell la.

Thought of not going work 2mor, but 2mor then see how bah,

oso donno wat time can sleep wif the pain then waking up 4am 2mor.

Who do i live for?

2009-07-26T21:53:00.003+08:00

Ya, who do i really live for?
I so tired working for wat?

Come back to think, i really nv do much things for myself be4.

My spiritual life and how i take cares of myself.

3rd bro still glue sniffing.

He lied to me saying he need for meals.

I gave him chances to prove himself, really donno wat he wan.

Keep asking ppl for money, saying need coins to take transport?

Maybe i'm too kind for him to cheat ya?

Just nw came back hm caught him red-handed.

Really hav to keep money properly and buy things for him to eat if he wans.

Too tired just for working is WRONG ! I kno tat, hahas.

I wanna live for God but i'm limited,

cos i only relying on my own strength not God.

Its been long time i sit down just for God le. :(

But then after work reach hm le, so sian. Hahas..

sick..

2009-07-17T18:16:00.005+08:00

Yest was terrible,

sneezing, running nose, headache, coughing and whole body feverish whole day.

Prayed, and thk God able to ta han throughout work.

Brought a personal thermometer back hm,

took temperature and its 37.8.

After 7pm took again and its 38.2.

I was like ok, not a gd sign.

I 2mor still hav to go work de.

So decided to buy cold panadol to eat,

then go sleep next morning see how.

Well..no more fever!

But still got running nose, coughing, a bit sneezing and headache.

Hahas..

Anw...was quite happy to went KFC for breakfast wif 3rd bro.

Treat him, cos he no $ and ate 2 meal la..lol...

After tat went North Point.

Actually 3rd bro wan return library book de, but haven open.

Hahas..then see see at TS de CDs sales.

Brought 2 MJ de DVD for him.

Hahas..

Pray tat he go back to God.

Time to change blog song le...hahas. =X

I'm struggling..i'm juggling..

2009-07-11T10:45:00.003+08:00

Thurs 3rd bro de pastor came to our hse at 11am plus.

His pastor talked to him and asked him ques,

the way he react was dancing, making weird sounds and singing gangster songs.

He said he kno wat he is doing and he wan his own path.

Tat time his frens tat stay in our hse oso wif us.

I tel U, i can see tat his frens pretending only.

Can see tat he pretend like gd guy infront of many ppl,

act like nv sniff glue..etc..

I can see one, i just keep quiet only lorx..hais..

Yest, 3rd bro youth leader de father came and wanna bring him to police station to report.

He hav been contacting me actually, hahas..

Be4 he come, my bro and his frens keep wanting to borrow $$ fr me la.

They wat need $$ for transport and for meals.

I kno they wan for buying glues la..

My 2nd bro came back then he faster go find him la!

At 1st 2nd bro nv give but think he threaten him..hais...

After tat the uncle called and asked me and my bro to wait at the coffee shop,

wanna eat breakfast and talk to us.

His fren then asked me for $$ saying he need $$ to eat,

but i asked him to go down wif us then i treat him lorx..hahas.

When at coffee shop the uncle warn them wif some words,

end up tat fren ask me whether my mum got anyhow say things or not.

He really gd at pretending la!

Really thinking whether should call police when see them glue sniff not,

so tat 3rd bro can try go jail and tat fren wont come again,

but they sure hate me and more troubles gonna comes...hais..

Poh kim borrow nokia charger fr my 3rd bro,

then he went meet her at arnd 11pm.

He actually brought a drink can down wif glue inside la.

He kept sniffing then holding on and following Poh kim make her cant go hm.

Poh kim called me 11 plus when i resting in company bus on the way back,

saying he don let her go hm and keep talking weird stuffs asked me faster go and bring him back.

I reached yishun arnd 1206am la..

Then faster walked to blk 719 and pull him back.

He kept sniffing the glue using the can and making weird sounds,

then pants oso kept coming down.

I kept pulling him but on the way back saw police car passes by,

the police inside kept looking at us la...so scary.

Pull here and there, finally reach hm arnd 12.40am.

I packed my things, bathe le faster go sleep,

cos gonna wake up arnd 4am for work.

Then tis morning woke up saw him playing com and the fren brought another fren in the room tat i nv see be4 de, so noisy.

4am U kno? Aiya, think he used com everyday whenever he wan de.

Hais..somemore bills i pay.

Then family like playing police and thieves like tat..

Hav to hide our $$, cannot put too much $$ in pocket and lots of things la.

AGAIN! unbelievable...

2009-07-07T20:28:00.002+08:00

Tis morning when i woke up,

saw my 3rd bro using com on facebook.

He was saying he just came back fr locked up,

then i guess he kena caught glue sniffing again.

But weird, how he came back by himself without anyone bail him out??

How he glue sniffing and kena caught again?? Hais..

Alot of ques in my mind.

If i nv accidentedly saw it, i will nv kno.

In the afternoon, one of his frens sms me and told me yest he being locked up for glue sniffing again.

Then i confirm he being locked up.

Ques is how he got caught and who bail him out....hais...

I asked tis fren help me ask him,

cos i ask he surely wont tel me de.

He keep on wanting to borrow money fr me,

even his frens oso wan to borrow money fr me la!

If U kno me well, i seldom say no to ppl de.

But i hav to, he will only use the money to buy glue la...

I do feel quite helpless, but its oso out of my control la.

Just feel so sian and lonely sometimes, hahas..

News abt 3rd bro.

2009-07-05T00:43:00.002+08:00

Was worrying abt 3rd bro,

donno wat will happen to him at police station.

His church ppl just called me,

Saying tat he has just bail him out and its wif $2000 tis time.

3rd bro hav to go back police station at 21st 10am to report.

My 2nd bro oso funny la.

I kno he's trying to help,

but no point telling every relatives and his church pastor to come help.

Hope he don create troubles la, hahas.

3rd bro

2009-07-04T21:27:00.003+08:00

2day woke up real tired, but still make it to work.

Mum called me when i'm on my way to church after work,

saying 3rd bro kena caught and in Jurong police station.

Early morning be4 i left hm, he's alr shouting in his room,

mum said after i left he took his fren's bag..hp..etc and left 2!

Heard fr mum and his frens saying he's been dancing downstair,

police came and charge him wif glue sniffing and stealing.

U kno, he's been caught once liao la..

Then his church leader bail him out for $5000.

Nw he's caught again,

think $5000 gone and he might be jail.

Feel like crying,

donno should take a break fr work not. Hahas..

Ya, its just so amazing tat i'm not down.

Maybe down but not creating troubles. Hahas..

Man, tired..gonna sleep early 2day and prepare for church 2mor.

No Kidney stone??

2009-07-03T10:52:00.002+08:00

Went hospital get scan results yest,

Doc was saying tis is the best scan but it says no kidney stone at all.

I was shocked, then i asked wat is tat then?

He was talking abt my urine prob,

but he knos i wan tis pain thingy settle first. Hahas..

Then he say might be something to do wif intestine,

so referred me to other dept but haven got the appt yet.

They will calll me again for appt la.

Yest was in quite a rush, cos 11.40 then reach TTSH.

Company bus usually 1pm at yishun blk 131 there.

But somehow i thought of asking the uncle can i wait at toa payoh,

Ha..somehow made it..1.30pm must reach the pick up point.

i arnd 1pm then finsihed everything wif payment,

then then packet lunch cos nv eat. Hahas..

After tat took mrt fr Novena to Toa payoh,

then run to the pick up point lorx..

At least i thk God tat i'm get to take company bus fr Toa payoh,

else i sure late for work de. Hahas..

Celebrated SY's b'day 12 mid nite at her hse, hahas..

Sorry if i'm too tired.

Overall i think its real great la ,hahas..

Tired..

2009-07-02T09:22:00.002+08:00

Been very tired recently.

Mon woke up arnd 7am to find social for help at TTSH,

then worked fr 3 to 11pm....reach hm 12 plus le.

Tues go for CT scan at 7am, woke up 5plus.

Same thing worked fr 3 to 11pm and reach hm arnd 12.30.

Wed i change shift wif ppl cos got church meeting,

so arnd 4am hav to wake up.

Tues i 1am plus then sleep la,

end up wed cant wake up to work.

Woke up at 8 plus, faster wash up, bathe and took a cab down.

So worked fr 10am to 3pm and cab cost me $23 like tat,

so only earn abt $10 plus....lols....

2day going TTSh to see doc again, but its 11am de appt.

Wonder can on time for work not, hahas..

Then later in the nite gonna celebrate SY's birthday, hahas..

Fri working fr 3 to 11pm, reach hm arnd 12.30.

Next day gonna wake up at 4 again, cos sat working fr 7 to 3pm.

I wonder wat's going on wif my 3rd bro,

he hav been heavily addicted to gule sniffing.

Been caught outside by police once and

his church leader bail him out for $5000.

Anyway, its i accidentedly saw his police letter and asked his church leader de.

Else i wil nv kno.

He got purple nail polish and hair purple oso.

Yest been glue sniffing and dancing all day all wif musics,

saying he cant stop dancing.

Oso donno real or not la, maybe just wan attentions?

His church leader say the next time see him glue sniffing,

should report police and teach him a lesson.

Most likely he will be jailed.

Hais..mum oso keep calling me and his church leader,

donno should report police not.

I working so hard, he nv work still nvm but give troubles.

Sian..

2009-06-12T20:18:00.003+08:00

Pain..pain..pain..
Itchy...itchy...itchy...

When no and off pain comes really can kill lorx..

Its like U break ur lower part of body like tat,

somemore comes when working.

My mind was like keep thinking i don wanna work anymore,

i wanna go hm but i still bear wif the pain la.

Pain still nvm, hav to see ppl face at work. Hais...

Cos lower part of body de no and off pain,

i hav been swmming these few days oso (those who kno me well will kno wat i'm talking abt)

Then my whole body and neck de skins very dry la...

dry, very very itchy and pain.

Terrible, if U see them.

Like rotting like tat.

If continue like tis, hav to go skins specialist le.

Then become 1 more hospital, doc and more medications and appt liao.

If U work wif so many doc appt, who will hire U??

I'm just 21, look younger than tat but health like 60 plus.

I wonder how will it be if go malaysia like tat.

21 so special ya? LOLs...

Mybe U can go thru my life better than me bah. Hahas...

Hot hot hot...

2009-06-02T22:20:00.004+08:00

I didnt kno i got sensitive skins until 2day.

Recently hav been unbearable hot and sweat easily,

then when i sit down stomach tend to fold and sweats stuck there.

Last tues having rashes on my neck then cant bear wif the itchness,

so 9am when break took a cab out to see doc and MC for tat day.

Funny la, i worked 7 to 9 for just $16 but took cab out alr $17 plus le..haven add see doc de fees wor..

Then 2day whole body itch, i told myself i hav to bear wif it.

So when back to same doc after work.

Its actually not inter-link, hahas..

Neck is becos allergy to medications, maybe.

But body is becos Hot HOT weather and my sweats.

So whereever there's foldable part like arm-pit, elbow, neck, body, behind my knee,

all will kena like the pic above la.

So got to bear wif itchness man... LOLs..

Sad and irritating la..

Music Playlist

2009-05-30T07:46:00.002+08:00

Finally changed blog de musics playlist tat can play full songs de, hahas..

But can see wat songs i hav..lols..

Nth is prefect la.

1) 下一个天亮
2) God will make a way
3) Hillsongs - Mighty To Save
4) Lord i lift ur name on high
5) Heart of worship
6) When God Ran
7) We Are The Reason

A gd news for those who likes to listen to my blog musics, like CQ. Hahas..

下一个天亮

2009-05-28T22:40:00.003+08:00

By Jarod Lee Yi Xian

用起伏的背影挡住哭泣的心
有些故事不必说给每个人听
许多眼睛看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见那个自己

用简单的言语解开超载的心
有些情绪是该说给懂的人听
你的热泪比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力更有勇气

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

用简单的言语解开超载的心
有些情绪是该说给懂的人听
你的热泪比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力更有勇气

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

Dream.

2009-05-19T19:35:00.002+08:00

Recently hav been dreaming,

dreaming mum commited suicide and 2 bro even knife each others at the wake.

While i was sleeping, my tears came out oso.

Ha...crazy me.

Yest 3rd brought 2 guys hm 12 plus at the nite,

they smoking and drinking beers inside his room.

Think its partly my fault for letting him kno Poh Kim and companies.

2009-05-18T22:07:00.003+08:00

Donno wat to put as title.

3rd bro hav been bring a guy back hm almost every mid-nite,

they sleep in a room and did alot of stupid stuffs.

Like shaving of leg's hair???

And mum drank again, tel her don bother abt him le.

But oso understandable la, all R her sons mah..

2nd bro always say she bias, love 3rd bro and me more than him.

But he nv kno how hurts mum is.

Mood quite down, hav to force myself to work thought no motivations.

Working is nv for myself, its for family...for future...a learning experiences...etc..

Maybe i more of a solo player bah..

Last time i not like tat de la...where is the "old LongXiang"?

If U kno the "old LongXiang", U will kno its quite a changed.

Anw, its always a blessing to be able to serve in church.

Thk's for giving me so many chances.

work

2009-05-12T21:51:00.002+08:00

Hoo..thk's God tat i'm able to wake up at 4.15 2day,

else there goes my company bus.

I drank 6 cups of coffee and a can of red bull 2day.

Somemore 2day got OT.

2mor oso hav OT, hopefully can last.

The air con makes me keep wanting to fell asleep, even when i'm standing la.

Too lack of sleep will makes me unable to concentrate,

esp when learning new things. Cant absorb in.

Gonna die if tis continue, hahas.

Btw..my 3rd bro hav been out wif frens and back very early in the morning.

Just a sharing, got to sleep liao.

Mother's day.

2009-05-10T20:20:00.003+08:00

2day alot of last min stuffs and kitchen is like fighting like tat.

But i'm thkful tat God and church uses me.

Think most importantly is tat we must hav a willing heart.

Willing heart can link to patient, teachable, humble...etc.. I think.

Btw..i would like to thk's 小Victor de help for cleaning up level 3 2day,

though he might not be reading my blog.

Of cos Yu Ling for washing the toilet 2!

Went to hse downstair de 泰国小食 wif mum,

and kno wat? 2 bro sleeping at hm!! (ha..just wan to express my emotion)

Waited for almost half an hr for our turn, and U kno my mum is very impatient de la. Hahas..

Mum was quite happy and she loves eating Kang Kong.

End up still packet for the 2 bro.

Ok got to sleep soon, 2mor gotta wake up arnd 4am.

Company bus be coming 5.10am.

2009-05-09T22:48:00.002+08:00

Donno wat title to put, hahas..

Was too nervous during worship jusr nw,

shivering all the way even after tat.

After i came down fr stage, my waist and head hurts.

Until nw my left hand waist still hurts,

maybe becos of the nerves bah..

Just wan to say tat i really thk God for using me.

I'm really a nth w/o God.

Just wanna update some stuffs.

Went to see doc on thurs,

will be having a x-ray on 5th June and 15th go back to see him.

But be4 tat will hav a urine observations 1st.

Currently working as Temp Quality Assurance,

temp fr 7 to 3 pm, but will change after some times.

Family same on-going, ha..

Quite looking forward to 21st b'day, donno why.

Maybe tat's all i wanna say.

I just feel tired.

2009-05-01T02:45:00.003+08:00

Though ORD fr army liao, life hasnt been gd.

Both bro being fired and cant find a job either,

somemore at tis point of time i oso looking for a temp job.

They hav been at hm these 2 weeks.

End up, mum hav to feed them.

While me hav to feed myself,

pay bills and sometimes give mum money when needed.

2nd bro oso hav weird sleeping habits,

sleep in day time but wake up at nite time. =.=

Somemore i shared a room wif him, hav to tolerate.

I actually feel quite sian abt my health oso.

Nw see doc or go hospital hav to pay by myself,

last time army free mah...

Of cos, i can always find social workers by myself for help.

I wan to run away fr ppl, myself and God,

so hope i don go anywhere and meet anyone i kno,

but i cant.

I'm the youngest, but grow up to see family needs,

in term of sensitivities of many things.

I will force myself to work, just scare health may cropped up.

I nv tel mum, bro or family abt my probs,

cos they cant even help themselves or kno their own probs,

how will they understand mine?

Imagine how they will react?

If i got a job, hope i can even bring mum to church camp.

She hav been wanting to go oversea.

Pls give me more time to recover,

no worry abt me, just feel like writing these.

And tis is wat blog for ya.

mum's birthday

2009-04-28T21:51:00.002+08:00

Pain still comes randomly.

Whether going out or standing up.

2day mum's birthday, both bro heck care.

Just pushed 3rd bro down,

cos mum wanna celebrate in coffee shop wif her uncles and auntie frens.

Then just brought some dian xin and a cake.

Thought not feeling very gd physically and emotionally,

but she happy can le la.

Hope

2009-04-25T23:08:00.003+08:00

I must admit tat tis illness affects the hope in me.

Maybe U must be thinking its God tat we put our hope in.

i kno, just tat tis illness just hunt me day & nite.

Frankly speaking, commiting suicide did came to my mind.

Of cos, its always just a passer by thoughts.

I will nv dare to do tat, and my purpose on earth hav not complete yet.

I really don like the feelings of falling and climbing up again,

though we hav to do tat.

I thought i hav climbed up fr yrs of falls,

but just 1 steps i fall again.

So nv comfortable of the way we living nw.

I'm sry Lord,

i always focus on the pains and things arnd me.

Pls teach me to get back to U,

cos U bring hope and U R the hope.

Going down

2009-04-23T21:01:00.002+08:00

I can feel and i kno tat my roller coaster is going down le.

I actually feel like giving up,

once again my focus on the wrong things.

Really thk's for ur video, Eunice.

Decided to go A&E

2009-04-22T06:32:00.002+08:00

Just came back fr TTSH A&E.

whole nite didnt sleep,

pain, difficulties in urine and leaking urine,

so decided to go hospital on my own.

Took a cab arnd 4am.

Check here and there,

Think is urine tract infection.

Anw, they will arrange an earlier appt wif my urology la.

Not feeling well

2009-04-22T03:24:00.002+08:00

Recently not feeling really well,

pain comes randomly.

Sometimes cant sleep, sometimes cant eat,

and always feel like vomiting.

Do hav leaking of urine and urine difficulties.

Hurts in waist, below stomach...etc...

When its comes, it will last for few hrs.

Don worry, just feel like posting.

apologise

2009-04-20T23:07:00.002+08:00

So sorry everyone.

I'm sure many ppl must be worried sick abt me.

Its a false alarm of depression,

its actually human fatigued.

Was too tired during last week, cos of mob war.

Then in camp, eveyone was like giving orders to everyone.

Somemore all R guys la..they hav their own ways of doing things.

Old ppl do tat still ok, even new ppl oso do tat.

Give me some respect can or not, i definitely more experience than U all lorx..

Nvm lorx, i just keep quiet and do wat i should do.

Then Msg Thanabal kept saying they bully me, i going ORD.

Don say them la, even Sir oso keep asking me to do things.

In camp, who will understand U?

I'm alright, just wanna say how i feel.

I booked out then realised its not depression,

maybe just trap inside camp and too tired bah.....

then come out suddenly feel so free, hahas.

Fri ORD LORH!

I failed

2009-04-17T20:23:00.005+08:00

Depressions is here again,

i hate it.

Human R selfish,

we R bossy,

we always think tat our ways of doing things R best.

Either they heck care or they use their way to settle probs.

Why cant they humble themselves?

Forget it,

though no one listen to me,

i will just go to a quiet corner and rest for a while.

Everything will start all over again after tat.

Sorry Lord, i'm weak, i failed.

CL, yup yup! 2Tim 1:7, thk's for ur reminder.

Auto wake up??

2009-04-14T05:24:00.001+08:00

Wa...power, sleep arnd 11pm and somehow auto wake up at 4am 2day. O_O

Days be4 ORD

2009-04-13T19:46:00.003+08:00

I recived ITE de letter le, got rejected due to overwhelming respond.

Will hunt for job.

Real tired, will be in camp for mob war until fri.

Then sat hav guard duty, maybe sun U will see dead man walking.

Hahas..

Shouldnt take so much initiative in army,

wont hav a gd time be4 ORD.

In many things ppl will even expect U to do it,

others who nv do much in the begining,

will stay sleeping, relax and playing PSP.

Tat's all i wanna say. :D

Overnite prayer

2009-04-11T00:55:00.002+08:00

Mighty to save

2009-04-09T01:28:00.001+08:00

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus. (x4)

Sorry mum

2009-04-09T00:58:00.002+08:00

I actually forgotten tat mum's cooking 2day!

I packet rice ate and then saw the rice cooker then realise.

I'm sure she feel sad, hurts and will complain again,

cos no one eat. :(

I'm so sorry.

2mor gonna hav overnite prayers in church,

Christ died for us and history changed tis day.

We, ex youths will then meet out for worship, prayers and sharing.

Nite will go for a Gospel relay at Singapore indoor stadium,

its messages of Hope and experience miraculous power of God.

Sat be going sentosa for outing,

and sun of cos Easter Service!

Ok, gonna sleep nw. 2mor sure died. Hahas.. =p

2009-04-04T14:40:00.003+08:00

13 more working days and 1 sat guard duty to ORD.

Anw, all poly hav rejected me cos of my results and late apply.

ITE unsuccessful oso, cos of no vacancy.

Maybe will appeal ITE, but will oso find private course at the meantime.

Gotta outstanding service man for Feb.

And 2 free movie tickets, CO asked if i hav gf. =.=

Amazing God

2009-04-01T20:59:00.004+08:00

Tis morning i took a cab to camp.

Its a new auntie driver,

who uses electronics map track my destination

and follow its instructions to my destination.

At 1st, the electronics map cant even find my camp la...

But the auntie is full of passion,

so i just tel her a road tat near to my camp lorx..

Who knos the map gave wrong directions

and she turn to the wrong expressway oso lorx..

End up she turned to woodlands. =.=

When at woodgrove sec,

She say she scare i late,

asked me to faster go down and take another cab

and she don wan to accept my money.

i tried hailing for cab but no cab.

She then get down and stop a white car,

asking the uncle driver whether he kno where my camp not

and even asked the uncle to fetch me to my camp.

To my surprise, the driver actually accepted to drive me to my camp.

The auntie really so brave la! Hahahas...

But most amazing is my God.

The uncle then drove his younger son to Christ Church sec,

in my heart i kept thinking of asking whether is he a Christian.

We shared alot abt after my army,

he shared bumper bee theory.

Saying tat many rich ppl R without a cert like bumper bee,

no one tel bumper bee tat they too heavy and cant fly,

so they use the ways they kno to fly.

He oso said sometimes kno too much like wat's the rite way oso not gd.

He teaches his childrens tat studies is a oppurtunities to learn,

its not a job or smth we must do.

His on his way to work oso quite near my my camp la! Hahas...

By seeing the cross hanging in his car,

i think he's a Catholic bah..

2day actaully thought of going hospital becos of my leg de

but somehow i feel no peace making tat decision,

so decided to go camp then see how.

After letting Sir see my wounds wanna go medical centre and report sick de,

but I actually got a guard duty 2mor!

In facts, the wound quite hurting.

When i'm on my way reporting sick i'm thinking tat 2mor i hav gurad duty,

if go report sick sure will excuse de,

then my duty will sure push to someone else.

Ppl can make difficult for me,

but i will try my best not to make difficult for others.

Somemore in my office, who will sacrifice and help?

So i decided to turn back and cancel reporting sick.

When Sir heard tat,

he actually don wan me do duty wif my leg like tat,

he asked ppl help me do, but the result is expected la.

So i told SIr, its ok...hahas....

Imagine i went hospital early in the morning?

Everything will be different!

My God is amazing ya? Hahas..

God, i wonder 2mor de duty the sgt or oficr will play us or not.

Currently my leg actually in quite a pain,

like having a knife cut into my leg like tat.

I kno U will give me strength, cos U R the only God and mighty God!!

Thank you for letting me experience U.

Eunice, really thk's for ur sharing yest,

its really a life testimonials la!

I'm weak, but He is always there.

Mission trip

2009-03-30T21:15:00.043+08:00

Morning Dew Motel

A pick-up of Vegetables

A pick-up of gifts and presents

Discussions, meeting and planning...

Going up hills

SEANMANGO CHURCH

Thinking of where to take 全体照.

Our cook.

Some ppl put alot of efforts in making the stage.

The opening of the camp!

Individual group cheers

The camp start!

Playing guessing of name.

Individual group ballon.

Can spot a girl standing so far coverin her ears? LOLs...

Playing potatoes chip fr nose to mouth

Playing of Dogs and Bones

The preparations of BBQ, real thk's to Nat.

The kids at small age alr carry such heavy banana trucks la!

Playing of water ballon netball

The set up of BBQ

Ready to BBQ!

Miss those ppl, leaders, helpers, youths and kids there.

Let's jia you 2gether for God in our parts!

verse for 2day.

2009-03-29T01:30:00.002+08:00

1Chron 16:11 (NIV)
Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always.

代上16:11
要寻求耶和华和他的能力；常常寻求他的面。

my leg

2009-03-29T00:11:00.002+08:00

Tis is how the bandage look like when i reaches hm after mission trip.

Its actually stick to my wound la.

No wonder so hurts walking, hahas..

Alvin and Li Qin's wedding.

2009-03-21T22:46:00.005+08:00

up coming events

2009-03-20T01:50:00.003+08:00

Still waiting for SP, NP and RP to reply me, so nervous la!

Sat will be Alvin and Li Qin's wedding!

Hahas..so excited, somemore 1st time be best man.

Then going fly off to Chiang Rai for misson trip on sun morning.

Be going fr 22nd to 28th. Oso very excited abt the trip,

the last time i went mission trip is abt 2 yrs ago?

2day went Air Force School for a safety forum.

When having tea break, there's drinks and some snacks.

Alot of ppl queuing for drinks.

When its my turn, i wanna take coffee to boast my concentrations.

But my cup actually didnt cover the coffee dispenser hole,

and lots of coffee just spill out.

Thought the dispenser not working,

but realised my cup did not cover the dispenser hole after lots of coffee spill out.

I faster take my coffee and go to a corner,

wouldnt dare to look at anyone.

I even realised when the coffee spill out on the floor,

it actually kena ppl's legs and pants.

Those madams worn skirt R worse,

hot coffee spill to their legs.

I feel so guity.

I went back to tat area and peep,

its so dirty after everyone stepping on the coffee la..

My mind was so scare and thinking whether should i mop tat area or not.

But i too scare until didnt do anything abt it,

in the end oso no one say anything.

So still ok la.. :(

God's promise

2009-03-18T07:48:00.002+08:00

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you will my righteous right hand.

Recent things.

2009-03-17T20:21:00.004+08:00

Its really hurts calling police to arrest own bro....

Seeing him being handcuffed is worse.

He told doc he's playing wif us.

He tel me if he stay in IHM for long,

He cant hav social life wif his frens outside.

He even told me tat he hope to work.

I really understand his feelings....

I wonder will it be gd if he stay alone....

How i wish i'm a normal person.

I'm not a expressive person,

psychologise is rite tat i keep things to myself.

But alot of times, i don even kno wat i'm thinking.

Ya, i mostly tel ppl my probs thru blogging.

I feel really tired of life.

Suddenly camp became hell...

Though going ORD, but everything changed.

Endless work, endless rules, endless arrows...

Though 1 mth to ORD, but its enough to die.

I do feel excited abt mission trip,

but i oso feel like giving up going to mission trip.

I'm sure there's still lots of things i can do,

but Things already more than enough for me to handle.

Hopefully after leaving Singapore,

i can enjoy and give my best in mission trip.

I got a big cry watching money not enough 2.

Just wanna say smth

2009-02-28T23:03:00.002+08:00

yest reached hm arnd 1am.

i slept immediatly after i reaches hm, hahas.

Woke up arnd 10 plus tis morning, but still real tired.

2day actually planned to go hm immediatly after TQ de,

but heart was thinking there's still things i can help, so i stayed.

A sis actually wanna asked me to help washing things,

but she look for other ppl after knowing i helped in making the drinks.

Arnd 8 plus, many wanna go causeway.

but i wanna go hm straight, so stayed while more to if there's anything to help.

Somehow after lots of ppl hav left,

1 dear bro was trying to find ppl to help him make the table tennis table.

Everyone hav left! He complained and kept saying only me and him cant get things done.

i tried to talk him thru, he insisted more ppl R needed.

Wenjie came later, tried talking to him oso.

William came 2!

Dear bro just hope we can hav team work,

and tat those ppl who involved in the play get involve 2!

He hope we can kno how to do oso.

Anyway, will not go into details abt wat Wenjie & William told him.

After tat, even Song Chun and some other leaders came over.

They wanna help 2! but too many ppl le.

So end up me, William, Song chun, Wenjie and tat dear bro doing.

The others warned us abt the danger, hahas..

Just wanna bring out tat no one is perfect,

even leaders oso will weak de.

At first who not full of complaining?

Anyway, really got to sleep soon.

2mor sure die man, hahas..

Don come to me, pls..

2009-02-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

Negatives, I kno U wan to be my gd fren,

but pls don come to me.

I hate U!

Too many voices in my mind,

i''m too tired.

Understanding.

2009-02-24T21:20:00.002+08:00

I perfer understanding than comparison.

Everyone hav their own things to face,

how U can compare which is more tragic and tiring??

I'm sry if i'm a person who likes to express my feelings.

Lord, i need U.

2009-02-22T23:59:00.005+08:00

Dear Lord,

Maybe i'm real tired nw, after guard duty and church,
but i wan to come to U Lord.

Just came hm and mum drunk, said 2 bros fought.

3rd bro stole 2nd bro hp and sell and things like tat.

Wat she said actually not very important and i wont let them affects me.

Lord,
I'm still quite disturb tat i frogotten poly's DAE and ITE in-take. I actually forgotten! i feel so lost.

Lot's of negatives thoughts in me, Lord.

i feel so tiring in camp, i even told doc to help me excuse fr re-service.

When she rejected me, i feel so depress.

Even started to feel like not going to mission trip,

cos my spiritual life cannot make it.

BUT, i thank U, Lord.

Ur spirit in me keep reminding me not to do anything wrong,

if not i might gone worse.

U let me hav the strength to come to U,

and even revelation to me thru ur words.

Ephesians 1:17-19
17I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength,

Its fr 2day's sermon and its NIV version.

When i saw these verses, i just asked to kno Him better.

Tat my eyes be enlightened not to the world, but to His kingdom!

Like wat 1 Corinthians 15:19 said,
19If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.

i cant bring tis life to eternity, but i can bring eternity to tis life.

i realised tis is a test fr God.

i hold on to tis life too tightly, until myself cant breath.

Lord,
pls frogive wat i hav done wrong, pls don leave me.
Help me Lord, i wan to renew in U.
i wan to kno U more.

Job 1:21
21 and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

Bang!

2009-02-21T00:10:00.003+08:00

I missed DAE (Direct Admission Exercise) for Poly.

I missed April in-take for ITE.

All becos too busy in camp?

Really feel like banging the wall!

Tired and sian..

I don wan to be tie by tis world man..

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

God's strength through whole day.

2009-02-15T23:20:00.006+08:00

Yest was cleaning up church and writing letters for beloved "0203" until 5 plus then sleep.

2day woke up arnd 9 by Wei Ling, then keep sleeping bag.

Who knos, received a call fr mindef.

Sian diao, hav to rush back camp for recall, but hav to rush back hm first la.

Waited for a while but no cab, so took bus hm.

Then wear uniform and new boots, took cab and reached camp at 1010.

1010 considered 2nd hr le. 1st hr is fr 9 to 10. Sad.

Anyway, the stupid recall hold us until 4 plus man.. =.=

So sian and tired after tat, so took cab to church.

Missed out alot in church 2day, and the mission trip meeting. :(

We decided to eat veg wif rice,

then i volunteered to buy spring chicken cos someone suggested it.

i ran to WL mart "kou fu" and ordered spring chicken.

who knos, need to wait for 20 mins. =.=

Then sat down outside "kou fu" wait, somehow Ah soon uncle walked passed.

He said he came "kou fu" wif pastor they all and asked if wanna give me a trip.

Actually they going le lorx..then they sat down and drink coffee becos waiting for me.

Anyway, back to church...eat..eat...eat..

Discussed progs for mission trip...discussed progs for tis sat TQ.

2mor gonna reach camp at 6 plus to help set up for parade,

so leave church arnd 8 plus.

Realised i haven give valentines' gift to Char,

if don give 2day will hav to wait until next week le.

So decided to send to her hm,

somehow feel real happy giving out all my valentines gifts for 0203,

if U see wat i wrote in the letter U will kno why i giving out so happily liao...hahas..

Called Char to confirm, went to her hse and passed to her mum.

By then realise, Oo..no! I haven give Nat the gifts oso!

Decided to send to his hse 2! Cos don wanna push until later.

Walked fr Char's hse to MRT buy pins for 2mor parade,

then walk to Nat's hse.

On the way to his hse, called him, who knos he at his aunt hse.

Said if wan, wait 30 mins for him. I agreed!

Then walked arnd cwp,

walk...walk..walk.. then sat down near MRT to wait for him.

Who knos, fell asleep. He called me 40 mins later la!

He said he reached hm le. i was like =.=

Felt just too bad la, cant give out the gifts on time.

And finally back hm.

Got to go sleep liao, 2mor hav to wake up 4 plus.

Really thk God, thought a super tired day,

but wif no 埋怨 and can actually go through the whole day.

I hope the valentiens gifts for beloved "0203" does smth.

Worn the new boots for whole day,

even running abt, nw leg 起 abit 泡泡了。

Psy & Doc appt

2009-02-07T01:35:00.003+08:00

Mon (020209) went to psychologise appt,actually very long time nv go le,

cos of camp too much things then i kept pushing the appt.

I told her wat happened ever since i saw her,

exactly wat i wrote in my blog.

She said she angry for me.

Anyway, was thinking of moving out and

let my mum and bros receive professional help.

i love my family alot, all the more cant let family affects me.

No matters wat, i wan to go poly!

Family will constantly hav smth happens de, ever since i'm young.

She asked me "when was the last time i do smth i like or for myself"?

i almost cried. Family, work, church?

Real tiring these few weeks oso, maybe find 1 day go for a run bah...

Additionally i hav my own health probs oso.

Went to a kidney ultra sound scan 2day, CMI la..

The nurse do the ultra sound scan hav to put some creams,

use the machine and go arnd whereever hav to be scan.

U kno, i scare of tickle and i really hold on tight to the bed la.

Most funniest is tat the nurse asked me am i ok.

i brust out and laugh la..hahas..

U kno, many a times i go for any doc appt,

i wish they will check until got probs.

So tat they will think of a way to cure watever illness i hav mah..

Hahas..tat's one of my thinking la.

camp

2009-02-07T00:11:00.006+08:00

30th Jan, last fri helped ppl de last min de guard duty.

i don even hav to touch guard duties de lorx..

But too bad la, army just hav all sort of ppl.

Not only army bah...outside world oso like tat.

Some ppl go take excuses, then Chief Warrent Officer asked to

take out all the excuses and he see thru 1 by 1.

End up, all those agressively don wan kena, only 2 persons no need to do.

My out-going sgt who ORD on 11 Feb got pulled down to do 1 be he ORD,

in-coming sgt who just came a week hav to do consistently.

The moral is really low, i kena 12th(thur) and 21st(sat).

Like tat still nvm, on tat day(fri),

one of the "agressively don wan" got excuses until end of Feb,

but he got duty on tat day!

So the whole branch of them finding and trying to sell to ppl.

They cant find ppl and no one wanna do.

So my 2 Sirs after settling who should and can the duties,

still hav to help him to find someone cover his duties.

Actually be4 tat, they already sold to 1 MT line ppl,

But he suddenly fell sick so no choice.

Sirs even helped him by selling the duty up to $120,

but still, no one wan and many others got other duties le.

Time became very up-tight becos gurads hav to draw arms and report by 1730.

Everyone was like so stress.

After searching the whole camp and hav been asking for help,

we hav no choice but left our own ppl.

3 of us, out-going and in-coming sgts and me.

out-going going ORD and he already sacrificed alot le.

in-coming tat day b'day la, then he just came to our unit lehx..

Be4 they could make a decisions, i sacrificed myself.

The person who i going to help actually wanted to fight wif me.

Wat i said is nth wrong, if not becos they 3 persons,

things no need to come to these stage de.

My 2 Sirs there, he oso wont dare do anything la.

I oso can fight de, but i don wan only, wat's the point?

Just cried, cried for the whole situations la.

Most sian is last min do duty, and i nv do be4.

Anyway, got promoted to Corporal First Class on 1st Feb.

Like my in-coming sgt said, CFC is a recommanded rank,

not some rank U can get as U goes by the yrs.

bros

2009-01-29T01:42:00.002+08:00

初二 my 大故 gave me pressure.

Wat i until nw then regret not studying hard?

i admit tat all my cousins de educations R much higher than me and my bros,

though i'm consider highest educated in my family??

I can only said tat, somehow ppl R born differently la.

If U kno my bros, how they behave and wat they do, U will kno liao.

Me, got depressions.

Seriously sometimes i just cant concentrate, cant think well like others la..

i really feel helpless, lonely and sian sometimes,

but i hav to accept it la.

I really wondering why,

why my 2nd bro until nw still saying he regreted going my eldest uncle hse,

becos my 3rd and i go. And eps i go.

He hav been saying it all day long,

but 初一 really nth happened wat.

Maybe he don like his close family members to be there?? Hais...

The way he behave oso vomit blood.

Then 3rd saying he's finding jobs, actuaaly is bullshit!

Only buy eng newspaper, how to find??

Then stay at hm watch tv, vcd and keep playing com???

My mum keep complaining to me tat he hav changed.

Nv eat mum's cooked de food anymore,

late or nv sleep, ignore my mum when she talk to him,

keep smoking...his attitude and stuffs.

Then my mum will drunk and depress becos of them.

I really wonder if i can get to poly. :(

Seriously miss my dad, seriously lonely and sian.

But, thk God, cos he nv give up on me.

I must try not to give up on the family and myself 2!

I wonder wat am i, if i don hav God since 7 yrs ago.

Currently 2.17am, crying infront of com.

And kno wat?

3rd bro is listening musics inside his room,

i kno he's awaiting to use the com,

BUT at tis timing??

Anyway, i alr set timing to lock the com,

maybe tat's the best way bah...hais..

CYN

2009-01-26T22:35:00.003+08:00

Wat a depress CYN.

I donno wat to say and how to start.

Yest mum prepared a delicious meal for us, BUT

not many ppl eating.

AND my mum knife her finger accidentedly when she knifed duck.

It cut thru her finger nail and even to her finger.

Then end up 2 bros nv eat!

Tel my bros oso no use, they don even bother, only care abt their own things.

3rd bro and i came hm fr eldest uncle hse then wanna snatch com wif me alr,

Mum came hm drunk after we came hm a while.

Then kept complaining her finger very pain, no medicine oil.

Asked my 3rd bro go buy the medicine oil, he nv ans and

kept asking 2mor wat time go 2nd uncle hse.

I ignored him and tried to entertain my mum,

cos she kept talking and asking me ques la..

I quickly lock my com and went down 7eleven to see wat i can buy to reduce my mum pain.

But too bad, don hav anything much i can buy at 7eleven.

Went back hm, saw my 3rd bro using com la..

He kno my password, unlocked and use the com???

Real angry inside me, but i nv show out.

After tat, mum kept trying to call her relatives, kept asking why she cant call out.

That no is not in used le, explained to her but she don get it. =.=

Finally she called out to a relative,

and she started to tel her sorrow.

Said how she knifed her finger, cook le no one eat,

all the bills and foods she paid and all tat.

Hais..mum, 3rd bro and 2nd bro all need attentions de,

how am i going give them their attentions?

Thk God i nv turn crazy bah..

Given tis kind of hse environment, can i go for poly?

See how bah, just tat i MUST get at least a diploma.

camp..

2009-01-24T23:17:00.002+08:00

In camp, my dept de working moral hav been very low.

Too many rubbish to handle still nvm,

own ppl create more troubles.

Everyone hav been trying to protect themselves,

end up they push all the things to ppl arnd them.

My sgt, 2 sirs, RQ and me so troubled by them.

They went to take excuses for guard duties,

MO don give, they wan take mc.

End up Sirs and RQ sure kena de lorx..Hais....

Like tat still nvm. They wan OFF.

Everyone hope to get OFF fr continuously after CYN public holidays,

but they don hav any OFF one.

Its my Sir and RQ too gd, and they take for granted.

Nv give them OFF, they not happy and create more troubles.

Sir and sgt going ORD still cannot take OFF lorx..

Then sgt take a few OFF only, they wan copy and say not fair.

All taking OFF on wed, then left the only indian and RQ to work.

I wan to go back, but sgt, Sirs and RQ asked me go rest.

Hais..pity my Sirs and RQ man.

They hav their own things to settle still hav to settle these guys.

Just nw came back fr church steamboat,

mum came hm drunk wif a auntie.

See her drunk face, immediatly sian diao.

After tat she keep talking rubbish and asking rubbish.

Until nw still haven sleep. Hais..

Sometimes some things U can feel, but donno how to say out de.

Gonna try to sleep soon, 1.32am le. =.=

She still talking. Ha...

Still worrying wat to do wif my studies.

God's leading to future

2009-01-18T23:09:00.003+08:00

Though going ORD in end of April, camp still lots of things going on la..

Coming tis week is an all rounded audit..

Whenever audit, whole camp will push things to my dept de.

all de expired fire extinguishers and all others unwanted stuffs. =.=

Then last week been busy cleaning and packing up stores.

Hav to move all unwanted stuffs, expired fire extinguishers and

improper things to a secret stores, hahas..

my Sir and Sgt R going ORD tis Feb, but sad thing is tat no one to replace Sgt!

Then actually a guy replaced the previous Sgt be4 tis one, he nw CPL oso.

Current Sir, understudy Sir and RQ thought of letting him take over again.

But he said he forgotten everything le, then hav to re learn everything.

Somehow they thought of letting me re place...

They say i'm most hard working and they can trust on me for many things, eps these Sgt's work R important.

Stress and scare cant take it la, lols..

But if not for God, how would i excel in army?

SO i will try learning fr my sgt and see how 1st.

If CMI, will tel them lorx..

Going ORD still got heavy jobs, hahas..

Still worrying abt the process of going poly.

I think fr Nitec Busniess(retail) to Higher Nitec Intergrated Logistics Management

then go poly fr there is better, but must take 6 yrs.

Some ppl and leaders commented tat its a gd choice and worth 6 yrs.

But some ppl and a higher leader commented its waste of time,

can do many things in these 6 yrs,

and only after 6 yrs then can hav proper jobs.

Then i abit confuse......

The higher leader oso rite la.

By then alr 27yrs old, maybe a few more yrs hav to married le????

He asked me find out private diploma or other private courses tat i can take.

So tat its faster?

And he said he will help me analysis after tat. LOLs...

Donno how la..sad.

Leave such big and important decisions to prayers bah..

i'm sure God will lead me like wat Proverbs16:9 said,

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his step."

Somehow i'm going downfall again.

I'm sry, sry to my dad and God.

I'm a sinner, Lord.

Pls forgive me, i don wan to give up but not by my own strength.

2day really got encouraged by 妙玲师母 and 牧师 de preached.

Somehow thought of my dad's death.

The process of how God lead him to believe in him.

The process of how God be wif me when i'm handling dad's stuffs.

The process of how dad believe in God be4 he passed away.

i can tel a testi abt my dad lorx..hahas..

But if write out and prepare la.

Really really thk God.

Mighty to save

2009-01-10T03:09:00.004+08:00

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus. (x4)

Mighty To Save - Hillsongs Australia

part time nurse

2009-01-10T02:49:00.002+08:00

i became "part time nurse" lorx...

opp of my bed came a new uncle on 2nd Jan.

He came at nite, but the next day many things happened liao.

He little things only press the bell and ask for nurses.

Asked nurse to help him take water,

help him adjust and things like tat.

U must react to him fast de, else he will try to climb out of bed his own ways.

Then he pass motions a bit only, wan change diapers liao.

He say he like new one, more comfront.

Every 5 mins need to change 1 diapers la..

Then nv help him change only, he keep pressing bell.

Push him out, he keep banging the bed,

shouting for nurses, scold and take off his pant la!

In the ward U can see 139, 133 and 129 always press their bell one.

So i helped the nurses look after the one opp my bed.

In hospital quite boring, then chatting wif many ppl there, hahas..

Actually thought of post a card to my ward de, but lazy.

Anw, end of my hospital story le. Hahas..

ward..

2009-01-10T01:18:00.008+08:00

1st 2 days in the ward i oso forgotten wat happened liao,

cos i was too giddy and still wif my fever and headache

I do remb tat doc came once,

How i hav to do big and small business wif the drips,

and tat 2 relatives of the uncle beside me chatted wif me.

i then realised tat the whole ward, all R quite old except me.

The uncle opp mid to me, really let me remb of my dad.

He so funny la..

Said "Itchy....itchy...", keep scatching himself all over,

and ask whoever walk pass to help him scatch.

He sometimes even forgotten tat he's eaten la...

He cant eat solid foods and need ppl to feed, like my dad.

Any food, he oso say "hao chi...hao chi" Hahas..

Then many a times when ppl feeding him,

he fell asleep la!! So its like,

half eating and half asleep....LOLs..

He's real cute...and i miss my dad.

Its real amazing tat dad passed away after he confirm christ is his Lord.

His daughters and sons R all so gd to him la...

Tat's one of his daughters, "an mo" for him lorx..

Then his son always will visit him wif food de.

Observe them until i drop tears..hahas..

Anw, let's take a look at the hospital foods.

Serectly took de pic, hahas..

Its 1 veg, 1 tau hu, 1 very plain de penunts soup and 1 fruit for lunch.

Ok la, can eat can liao.

Many ppl brought me alot of things when visit me.

Got fruits, butter biscuit, seaweeds, koren strawberries, chi essence,

a "cow" bear

And these 2 items R loan! THey scare i bored, hahas..

Tis cute cute thing, inside is MP3 la..hahas..

Really thk's Vic and Char for the loan items,

they lend me then nv use for arnd a week la..hahas..

TO BE CONTINUE.......

Hospital con't

2009-01-10T00:19:00.003+08:00

WHen reached hospital, i really felt like fainting lorx..

Then LQ and WJ hav to take turn to hold me and make sure i wont faint.

Only 1 person and tat's WJ tat accompany me all the way.

Wheel chaired, waited, Dripped and panadols.

Its a very beautiful nurse, though wif mask,

whom helped to put the drip.

Then WJ and i was great impressions of tat nurse..LOLs..

Slept and woke up, my fever was 36.5 arnd 5am plus.

BUT, still very giddy and headache.

So doc asked to admit and stay for observations.

Still at the observations area slept until arnd 7 plus,

then moved into a room wif alot of patients who R like me.

I'm cold and shivering like donno wat la...

Even requested for another blanket and i covered fr head to toe.

3 student nurses wanted to take my heart test, so funny la!!

i kept shivering then take cannot take the test. Hahahas...

1 of the nurses said wanna transfer me to Alexanda Hospital,

cos no ward and bed for me.

I was quite happy to heard tat cos thought it will be faster tat way.

Who knos, fever come again.

38, 38.7, 38.2 then 39, head and eyes R in pain.

Tears dropped, i asked the nurse over and told him i CMI.

He faster told the doc my situations,

and 10mins later only they pushing me to the ward liao..hahas...

But still, arnd 11am plus le.

TO BE CONTINUE.....

2009-01-09T10:51:00.002+08:00

I spent 1st new yr nite in the hospital.

At 1st in church i just thought tat i only hav a slight fever,

then after tat got my skins peel off by metal and

my body part don feel gd.

I went hm fr rehearsal after some advises.

I used my own thermometer to take temperature and its 38.

I went to hav some rest, woke up and take temperature again,

who knos tis time round thermometer no BATT!

So decided to sleep until mum's back hm.

When mum's back, asked her bring me see doc, she don wan.

She say she's busy and offered me 1 latest ultra panadol wor..

Rest then after tat still the same,

then she took a towel wif ice and put on my head.

My fever seems to get worsen la...so she bo bian.

Took temperature at downstair clinic, WA 39.9!

Doc asked me go hospital on own my immediatly.

Then mum asked whether my frens can bring me to hospital not,

cos she got to work the next day.

So i called some of the church frens,

finally got them and they R still in church.

Took a cab to church and took a cab wif Mel, LQ and WJ to hospital.

TO BE CONTINUE.......

who am i?

2008-12-31T14:35:00.003+08:00

Mon and tues went back to camp,

sad things is tat only 2 person.

Others on leave or OFF,

then the one wif me always sleep and hack care de.

So the 2 days, everything was on me.

Suddenly too many things to do and handle,

everyone started coming to my office and asking for things.

I accidentedly left a store key inside the store,

my mind was like "Arhh.......".

Called my Sgt and he told me no spare key for tat store.

I gave up!

A newly posted in officer supposed to understudy my Sir,

but Sir on leave.

He's very ON la...search the whole office,

and actually told me tat he don believe don hav spare keys.

Somehow, he found spare keys in a random cabinet.

But my mood still isnt very gd.

My whole mind R still thinking of:

"who am i?"

"I'm limited"

"i'm a human who do things w/o God wif me, i think"

"Hav i forgive myself?"

i donno...

Even youth camp....kitchen helper...etc...

Its like i'm doing doing a job.

After watching "shi zhi lu kou",

i wondering why cant i forgive myself.....hav U ppl forgive me........hav god forgive me?

i very confuse.

Who don wish to hav a new life?

How can i hav a new start?

Just feel like crying.

Wrong things.

2008-12-01T01:13:00.004+08:00

Though i didnt really do anything wrong,

but i'm still struggling to do things rite.

Its smth i totally wrong be4,

i do kno i need to do smth abt it,

but i live in guilt.

Too many wrong things and makes me unable to stand up?

i hav been searching for temp human's love,

at the same time, i do kno tat every human need God's love.

Where am i?

Why am i here for?

My family really need me meh?

I hav no strength and i need love?

i'm quite scare tat i don even kno wat's rite and wrong,

maybe i hav been conviced myself until i donno wat am i.

So sometimes, i don even kno wat i'm thinking, rite or wrong.

Cute?

2008-11-25T21:15:00.004+08:00

Msg Thanabal said tat i'm cute after seeing my 11B pic.
LOLs..

emo

2008-10-16T21:30:00.002+08:00

Somehow got emo again..mood not gd at all,

and i don feel like working while there's many things waiting for me to do wor..

Keep wanting to cry oso, real dumb.

Is tis depression? Maybe.

Nth posty.

2008-10-15T18:54:00.003+08:00

The feelings has been wif me for 20 yrs.

Somehow i'm searching for something, maybe all just goes by feelings.

Ever since tat day he passed away, i guess i haven been using my brian bah..

Its like no more purpose or wat, I'm lost.

Family R terrible without him.

i really miss him.

i hav no strength to stand up,

and sometimes wat U can think of is die.

Just some random post.

Nth update

2008-09-25T07:48:00.002+08:00

Wanting to blog, but nth to blog.

These 2 weeks things hav been the same, its too normal....

haven been any big overcoming in life, and i kno these cannot be continue.

Lord, sorry..i need U.

Temptation wont stop, so its always either one step forward or one step backward.

i always remb tat life is a slope.

Who don wanna a new life, but its how much U wan it to be.

Thk God for letting me having 2day half day leave 2day,

so tat i can join them for the malaysia trip.

Yest then my leave approved la...so scary.

i applied since last thurs be4 i went back for my mc, who knos system got probs.

Then i tired 3 times and asked my sir to check and approve for 3 times, finally got it!!

I'm sure tis trip will be a fruitfull trip, will be sharing joy wif previous drug addict and Pastor John is a gd pastor.

Many a times, we let enviroment control us.

I always remb a saying, when U cannot change the enviroment, change urself.

At hm, work and change is the different me, i guess.

I'm quite sure many ppl hav the same struggle as me, cos its common.

Christianity is nv a religion to me, its a life style. The value of how U live.

When things are common becos we just follow suit, we nv go and think.

Hahas...correct me if i'm wrong.

If U were to ask me whether i wish, hope, can or wan to change,

i will say i wan to change, but i'm weak.

Thk's for eveyone kind patient in me.

Thk you Lord!

Sian....

2008-09-12T12:43:00.007+08:00

2day so sian...so emo...

Donno why, maybe too tired.

Encik say i nv work, i just walked out and bang the door.

i can do my own things own time own target wat, he like forcing me to do.

Maybe becos he's going post out then wan everything nicely done.

When i got do work or when only i do work, he oso nv say anything la.

Not his fault la, just tat 2day too emo...too sian le...

Quite easy hot-temper, don really wish to talk.

If i really scold Encik bad words, maybe he oso cant do anything to me,

cos i got depression. Even got anything, then too bad lorx...

Maybe i'm gd, but no one is gd to be bullied de.

Alot of these thoughts, and feeling very sian.

Maybe really too tired bah..

Just wanna post, sorry.

.....

2008-09-12T12:43:00.006+08:00

yest my tat body part was in great pain when ending work,

then Encik asked me go up bunk rest and even asked someone bring 2 cup noodles to bunk for me.

After they end work and booked out,

i slowly and take my time to change and then rush to Indoor stadium.

By the time i reach, already not pain.

But 2day morning when eating breakfast, Encik asked my bunk mate abt my pain and such.

Then think my bunk mate told him i went out bah...too bad lorx..

He oso care for me la. Then a cook auntie say i look very "guai",

Encik said if guai he wont hav heart attack le...

Then he use the example of the "father" who cheated church money.

He said all "fathers" look gd guy wat, but they actually go cheat ppl money.

When he use tis example, i think he using the example to shoot me.

Hais...forget, he will nv understand.

He's actually a gd Encik, but maybe his work expectation R too high bah...

Oso donno coming de Encik will be like wat...only kno he's a indian.

Scare his character CMI, Hahas...

jaw..

2008-09-09T15:06:00.002+08:00

Erm..the body part pain again la..sad.

Anyway, forgotten to tel U all abt my jaw.

My left jaw somehow like dislocated, donno wat happened.

Eating cannot use left jaw, bitting of foods are real hard.

brushing teeths oso quite difficult.

Ha..

nose block

2008-09-09T11:40:00.002+08:00

Flu...flu...flu...

Haven recover fr flu and it got worse, nw having block nose la!

These few days having block nose, hard to breath man...

Hard to get into sleep cos hav breathing difficulties,

so these few days breath using mouth, sad....all dusts oso breath in.

i hate BLOCK NOSE! Hahas...

Anyway, my tat hurting body part not hurt le, donno why oso.

But must thk God and U all for prayers, hahas..

Yup! Thk's Alvin! :D

As U kno, i'm 4th son, the youngest in the family.

Its hard to communicate wif my 2nd bro man...no diret family members can.

Can understand la..Eldest not here, so he hav the concept tat he's eldest nw.

Watever he think is rite, he will go do it and don wan us(direct family) to care for him.

As U kno, 3rd bro wont be working le...so 2nd bro will go and say him, then 3rd bro will fight wif 2nd bro.

Hais...anyway, we nv share things among ourselves maybe dad oso like tat bah...

Yest went hm to wash army clothes, then 2day early morning he woke wanting to wash his stuffs,

he shouted why everytime he want to wash things, washing machine will hav clothes one.

After hearing tat, i feel like walking over and ask him why he so many days at hm 2day happened to woke up early then wan to wash....

But nvm, no use saying tat and he will sure get HOT! Hahas...

Mum actually took a trash bag and put and washed clothes inside,

walked 2wards me and told me tat she will hang my clothes out when she's back fr work.

Mum actually did tat la..ha...

I'm in a rush la...so nv do anything abt it.

Come back to think i feeling unbalance.

Its trash bag tat my mum put my washed clothes in, becos of him..hais..

Nvm... Thk's God tat everything is fine, i can woke up in time and i'm still breathing well wif my BLOCK NOSE.

LOLs.. xD

Mum cried.

2008-09-08T08:36:00.003+08:00

Fri nite after i booked out, i met MaxX and Alan for supper...

Almost finished eating, i stomachache so went to toilet.

Then mum called and she cried loudly,

she said my 2nd bro beat her and after tat i cant hear clearly le....

cos she was crying and talking.

So after i came out fr toilet, i quickly took a cab hm.

Back hm, saw 2nd bro and he said smth weird,

he asked me move out and stay at fren's hse after i'm out of army.

i just ignored him, then my mum open her rm door saw me and cried loudly....

i went into her rm and we chatted until 3am plus, i dropped my tears oso.

i told her tat tis bro doesn't understand wat he's doing, cant blame him.

She keep say tis bro unless, even her parents oso nv beat her be4 la.

After lots of "an wei", she say she wan to sleep le..then i thought ok liao.

Who knos, yest nite she came back drunk...so sian..

Keep talking rubbish, wanna commit suicide and many more...

She said 2nd bro use CDs to hit her and punch her.

Then her hand oso in pain, saying plam no feelings and nerves R hurtings.

Saw her kept hitting her left plam wif the other hand la....Wa Kao!

So i asked her to take leave 2day and i will take leave to bring her to doc,

but she don wan, she say take leave will deduct her pay....

she no money to see doc and all tat.

I told her not to worry abt money and tat's why i going to accompany her mah...

She still refuse, then i bluff her tat i already took leave le,

she say she wan to go and work lorx..

Kao...i asked her, ur hand pain untill like tat still wan to go work?

i donno how to help U lehx....wan to bring U to doc, U oso don wan.

Hais..then she heck care and went to sleep.

Tis week

2008-09-05T11:07:00.005+08:00

Tues went to watch "money not enough 2" wif my mum, 3rd bro and a extra uncle.
3
Though its cheap, only $6.50, but i drop my tears again and again.

The last part abt their mum, i kept dropping tears, non stop la!

Then my mum beside asked why i watched movie until cry, DOTS..

In the movie, their mum was so understanding...

tat's why sometimes when U treat ppl too gd, they will not see and will take U for granted.

Actually tat day on a struggle of do other things, end up decided go for movie wif mum and bro.

An update abt my 3rd bro la..

somehow he doesn't wan to work anymore, keep sleeping or be on his own.

Maybe got go out anyday, but we donno. So pulled him go watched movie.

Wondering why he don wan to work anymore oso...hais..

I hope i can live in a church, hahas..

Living in my hse R so negative, so hard to hav the will to continue living.

Just some random thoughts la.

These few days raining days.

Health got weak....

Flu...flu...flu..

Flood...flood...flood...

Pain...pain...pain...

Flu still nvm...keep going to toilet and flood the next day i woke up still nvm...

But, tat body part pain again...Man!

Hard to walk arnd, hard to work.

Quite pek chek abt tat pain, and no one will really understand how is it like.

Not i hot-tempered, lazy or wat lehx..

Though i'm in pain, but i still work and didnt complain lorx.

Oso don really like camp ppl to kno tat i'm in pain la..hahas....donno why.

Looking forward to church. ;)

Kingston b'day

2008-08-26T17:02:00.000+08:00

On 17 went to my ex CQMS (platoon sergent), Kingston de b'day.

Nv really talked to others, only sticked to own gang.

Helped Kingston ran and brought chacoals.

We and his other frens or family members took turn to BBQ.

Then all my camp mate say they donno how to BBQ la...

Lols...got Jacob, Siong Chey, Adrain, Jun Yan and me.

We BBQ and ate our own, but later i suggested BBQ for others oso.

Later on after cutting cakes, they throwing ppl down pool while we went back to eat...hahahas..

There R some really random pics below la...

Alan b'day

2008-08-26T16:02:00.000+08:00

This is how our dearest Alan ate his b'day cake on 16th Aug.

Trying post video

2008-08-25T16:02:00.002+08:00

Just to try to post video, hahas...

2008-08-23T16:54:00.003+08:00

continue future..

2008-08-21T21:15:00.002+08:00

I didnt kno i am turning arnd my probs...

Actually i already facing my probs..

Satan always use these thought to jailed me in my probs.

Like wat some leaders said.

Every parents love their childrens rite?

whenever i watch "i not stupid too" de VCD, i will drop my tears.

Uneducated parents just use their own method to teach and love their childrens.

They donno how to love us...

They think they MUST provide our daily needs...

They shout in the public without knowing how we feel...

They think money is equal to love and love is equal to money.

We, tis generation ppl should try to understand them, though its hard....

BUT, its will be harder for them to understand us.

Quite sick these few days..flu..running nose..sore throat...flu..and so on..

But i still nv report sick and continue to work.

I really don like politics la...but its just outside world.

Everyone out there, even officers R so self-protective...

They wanna protective their own ass, and just push eveything to others.

WA LAO!! Imagine the whole folder of paper work, he say U lost it???

Cant really trust anyone in the outside world, even army.

Its always hard to be a gd person la..hahas...

actually still got other similar incidents happened, just don wan mention.

Sun be having 6km run at the durian shell...Army Half Marathon.

Last fri ran 4km wif the squdaron and tues 5km.

Hopefully my flu, running nose and sore throat can recover by sun.

Else, will be hard to run....hahas..

Think will say until here for tis week...take cares. =)

future?

2008-08-15T21:22:00.003+08:00

Yup! When someone told me tat i hav a gd future, i dropped my tears.

Facing the future really need alot of courage...

I'm one who don dare to love and don dare to hate, i like peace.

Break family cycle in term of mentally, characterise, my future childrens and lots..

maybe one more thing is tat i donno how to love myself bah..hahas..

future?

2008-08-15T21:22:00.000+08:00

Confusing..

2008-08-12T21:36:00.002+08:00

My 3rd bro prob has settled down. Thk's for prayers.

The most important things nw is to face the future, which is far too difficult.

Break family cycle, in term of many things which unable to describe finish.

I'm a person perfer to do wrong things than facing a probs,

and i really easily give up on everythings tat hav probs.

So if tat day got something happened, it will spoil my day and mood.

I will not be able to concentrate in work, will feel sian and wan to run away.

Ya, run away. Tat's me, i'm weak.

i can help ppl on their probs, but not facing my own probs...

Cos its feel better to help ppl solve their probs than facing mine.

Maybe i too negative, and tat's makes me cant accept tat i will hav a gd future.

When someone told me tat, i really cant control my tears.

After facing so many things, seeing how i destructed myself,

Its really hard to tel myself tat i hav a gd future.

I kno God hav forgiven me and my sins,

its just hard for me to accept tat God hav forgiven me and my sins.

Thk U, the one who came to meet me and brought me back to church.

Ha..dropping tears again.

Say until here bah..take cares. <3

Luna 7th month

2008-08-01T23:21:00.006+08:00

ALERT!! This is a month of air pollutions!

BEWARE OF HAZE, PLS BRING MASKS!

FOR SAFETY REASONS. =)

My 3rd bro..

2008-08-01T21:44:00.005+08:00

My 3rd bro condition hav been no and off..

Some day normal some day toally shut himself.

Worse is his 同事 actually brought my 3rd bro to his so call "师父"

Say my bro too sad and missing my dad,

Then at my dad's funeral got crash wif dirty things...

Saying lucky we go to him, else sooner or later my bro will go wif the dirty things...

Then wan his 同事 to use 金银纸 to go over my bro body these 3 days,

and then burn the 金银纸 away.

Hais...oso donno wat to say.

Just so 巧 tat he totally back to normal 2day...

can work (sell vegetables) and talk normal le..

my bro even go off early to meet frens,

so all the more they think he's recover le and its becos going to tat "师父"??

Actually my mum called me when i'm in camp...

when she told me tat 同事 of my bro brought him to his so call "师父",

i really angry man!!!

Just tat tat 同事 30+ yrs old, i respect him and i cant out win him la.

So i immedialty called my 3rd bro church leader, Marcus.

After he heard tat, he only say no worry and pray hard...

who knos, he actually went to my hse wif some of church frens to vist my bro the next day.

THEN, my mum called me 2day afternoon and asked if i told his church frens not.

Cos they went to my hse yest nite and oso asked my mum not to bring my bro to the so call "师父" anymore....

so she said 我害她, oso informed me tat my bro 同事 bringing him to go tat "师父" 2nite,

asked me to ask his church frens to bring my bro out earlier...hahas.. XP

Hmm..so my bro received a msg and went off earlier was went off wif church frens.

His 同事 thought why he so happy wan to go off early and went out wif frens la..lols..

GD NEWS: my 3rd bro 同事 and company going to move out fr my hse 2mor evening!!

CONCLUSIONS:
i wonder izit becos tis month is luna 7th month, so tat so call "师父" made tat conclusion?

or MAYBE is real?? i still think these R very 迷信 lorx!

still donno my bro really recovered not, feel sian and don feel like facing probs again!

My 3rd bro..

2008-08-01T21:44:00.001+08:00