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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sometimes i hav the urge......

i sometimes really hav the urge to either commit suicide or kill my bro and mum then kill myself.

Hav been having these kind of thoughts.

No motivations at hm but negative thoughts.

BUT, i really thk God tat i kno him 8 yrs ago.

If not, i really cant last until nw and still holding on, church is my hse.

Yest mum suspected 3rd bro glue sniff but he denied and gave attitude.

After mum left, he said tat guy fren come here stay cos fight wif his mum,

cant let him sleep on street and must help since is his fren.

He said he nv glue sniff, its my mum anyhow say and she even say they inject drugs.

He said he nv let those very bad frens come our hse, its they wan come in de.

He said he asked them must keep volume down but they don listen oso.

He said he keep trying to find jobs but very hard to find,

somemore every tues and thurs hav to go amk report to police.

He oso said he hav to dye back his hair cos police scolded him le,

he keep asking money fr me to dye hair or cut botak.

I soft hearted and gave him $5 to expect him cut botak, then went hse visit le.

Next thing mum called me saying caught him glue sniffing again,

and said wan call police asked if i wan go back.

i told her i at hse visit wont be going back so early, asked her call police her own bah.

Main reason is tat i donno who to believe...hais,,,,

Next min police called me saying he caught my bro wif the glue and be bringing him back.

He say he will contact me abt my 3rd bro again and asked me go back cos mum very upset.

i nv really take it to heart, cos mum always like tat de.

After tat mum called asking when i'm going back then she go sleep.

i wanted feel emo and tears out during the visit de, but control myself.

Back hm mum haven sleep, she emo and wanna cry again....hais..

Then just nw abt 10 plus, he came back wif 3 girls.

Yest he nv bring his keys wif him, so keep knocking on the door and knocked hardly.

i see its him wif 3 girls then nv open the door.

Mum came out of room then told her go see she don wan.

He left and came back alone to knock the door again.

Then mum opened door for him saying he's alone only.. =.=

He rushed in take my food and eat then took his keys and left.

Really donno wat tis mum doing man..

Can understand its her son, maybe she don bear to kick him out of hse.....BUT...

Really donno wat to say, next time tis happen i let her handle le.

Nw he use his msn scold me valgur and say he's my Lord,

maybe its his frens using his acc who knos?

Its nv gd feeling being cheated, stuck and helpless,

everyone needs God.

Posted at10:40 PM

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Being waken up by fighting sound.

I hav been tearing or hav been feeling like tearing the whole week.

Things got complicated until i lazy and donno how to post.

My depression is like girls de PMS, will look for me at least once a month.

Thoughts of ending my life did came, its real tired living tis way sometimes.

2day just back hm fr work, 2nd bro alr keep talking and

complaining to me abt 3rd bro, past and our parents. He can talk non-stop man...

Arnd 8pm plus, mum came back.

She oso complaining abt 3rd bro and how hard is her life.

I was like O_O Don think can hav quiet time.

9pm plus went to sleep but 2nd bro asked when i sleeping so early.

I told him i hav to work and i'm very tired, then i got a peaceful sleep.

Arnd 1210am 2nd and 3rd bro fighting and shouting,

heard mum asking them to stop and

2nd bro actually came into room and told me he called police.

So no choice but to wake up.

2nd and 3rd bro provoked each others again then

2nd bro use a bowl of warm water to throw at 3rd bro and

3rd bro hit 2nd bro then the bowl dropped on floor and broke.

Police came, 2nd bro told them abt how 3rd bro took his ex belt.

Police ques here and there.

Anw my mum oso very wat de,

a while agree to report police, but in front of police said diff stories. =_=

How to help?? U tel me..............

1am plus le, hav a urge of taking a walk outside and cry.

Posted at12:17 AM

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Its going down again !

Ya..everything in the family R so sian and negative.

3rd bro bring frens back hm again, make until hse so noisy.

They don sleep at nite de.

Use com, play musics/ videos, talking loud loud and even do cooking when ppls sleeping.

Yest made until my mum, 2nd bro and me waken up by them arnd 2am plus.

Tis 3rd bro really makes me lose my patients, see him only sian.

i work until so tired, only give me troubles.

Mum called me afternoon saying she's not enough sleep and fell down.

Just nw came back hm see my things and cardboard i kno he anyhow touch

and even throw my things away. ARGH !!!!!

Its church things and ppl wrote de card la !

Somehow don feel like working and doing wat i should again.

Yest dropped tears at work place.

Feel so sian and emo, keep feel like stop and cry.

Ok, gonna get more sleep and rest.

Posted at7:42 PM

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Update..

Went to Nigel's birthday chalet just nw,

helped him wif a bit of decor and start fire for bbq.

I did rest a while in the room in the afternoon..hahas..

Went back Marsiling Sec for t-chers day.

5yrs since then its my 1st time go back..hahas..

3rd bro still the same

Nv sleep at nite,

keep using com or even scroll arnd at nite.

He's been in and out of police station w/o we knowing,

but we estimate it when he's not hm early morning.

Tel me he's finding job,

sometimes ask me for money to take transport but still buy glue.

Of cos he deny buying and sniffing la...hais...

becos of tat even wan fight wif us.

The day i stop work, once again realised family burden so heavy.

i missed my dad seriously.

Work to feed everyone in family is like no moral,

reach hm after work they just sit down there wait for foods and money.

Don feel like working, but hav to work.

Will skip 2mor distributing of flyers, hopefully they donno...hahas...

distributing of flyers is nv a easy job.

Next week start a temp job at may bank still donnO much abt do wat yet,

its $6/hr Mon to Fri 8.45am to 6.15Pm.

Hav been having tat pain still...argh...

Posted at1:45 AM

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

feeling like running away again?

Feel so sian, like crying and don wanna sleep nw.

i kno, tis is my weakness.

Just only, 3rd bro kena caught by police outside hse for glue sniff la!!

But tis is a reg probs, most impt is tat they will still let him out!!

Its nv ending U kno? Wat is Singapore law man?

I alr hav lots of patients la..

Just nw i asked the police, wat if no one will to bail my bro out?

He say he surely will find someone to bail him out de.

So, wat's the use of bringing him back?

Bringing him back just becos someone reported police?

Tis is STUPID!!

i called 3rd bro church leader and tel him,

he even said tat 3rd bro can bail himself out la...

Tis is Sooo ridiculous man..

They wanted 3rd bro go The Hidding Place de, but he refused.

Found a job for him, he worked 2 days then caught by police again.

Why cant police just do smth xtra to bring him somewhere tat can help him?

Imagine U see ur bro keep kena caught by police?

And how ur mum and other bro react?

But nevertherless, God is wif me...somehow.

Should i control my tears?

Frankly speaking, sometimes getting sick of getting mum's calls.

But i hav to understand wat she needs la.

Let's not give up fr going to God, cos He loves, understand and cares for us.

My strenght comes fr who???

My strenght comes fr the who created the world,

and becos of loves he sent His only son to died for us.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Posted at12:22 AM

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Thk God.

2day ya, work haven been very smooth but can see God's leading.

Somehow still can finish work just nice at 3pm, just tat a bit rush to get changed. Hahas...

Arnd 12pm mum called saying 3rd bro out of police station le,

he's hm and went coffee shop asked mum for $$ to eat but went glue sniff again.

I can understand such habits cant change overnite de,

like who nv done wrong again and again wor...

Just tat such things he done affects and involve too many things and ppl le.

Back hm arnd 10pm after going centre copy things,

just switch on com only he came back.

He say he found a job at pasta need arnd $100 to buy a few black pants and safety boots.

Not tat i don trust him, i oso wish to give him chances to prove himself mah..

After tat keep asking me whether i eaten not,

i told him i ate a cup of porridge in church and a bubble tea at centre.

Actually he no $$ eat and haven eat, hahas.

Then go down withdraw $$ and accompany him buy dinner.

Found out tat he loss quite lots of weight and like skinnier than me le,

he actually fatter than me de. I do feel sad.

Asked him wan buy drinks or not and all tat.

He told me he very sian, tat's why glue sniff,

reason why he nv kena anything cos so long as U glue sniff nv disturb ppl jiu ok le.

I was like HUH...like tat oso can.

Keep encourage him sian no need glue sniff de,

i oso always sian de...hahas.

He starting work mon, pray tat he can work and give thk's.

I just find its amazing tat no matter how sian i oso nv do such big things.

Sometimes just find myself so special in God's plan,

but sometimes keep relying on myself so wanna run away and give up in life.

Pls teach and guide me Lord, i wan to come back to you.

Thk God for ur plan, i can see tat You really wan me to learn how to rely on You.

Posted at12:55 AM

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Wat a day.

2day a terrible day.

mum called me 2pm plus saying 3rd bro wan $10 fr her to cut hair,

i asked her to accompany him to the shop and pay for him.

Working just back hm only 3rd bro using com,

Hais..he always at hm can use com donno fr wat time to wat time.

Like tat still nvm,

he actually teased me sayiing " Wahahahas, so tired wor.."

I was like so angry inside me,

only give troubles, nv work, everyday only use com..etc..

But i too tired, penny of thoughts then fell asleep. Lols...

He saw me back hm faster shut off com then secretly went out.

His pastor came look for him, found him downstair and talked wif him,

but gave attitude again.

Arnd 8pm plus mum called saying 3rd bro being caught glue sniff at market,

went into a police car le and his church leaders oso called her.

Cried on the phone, saying she very heart pain.

Arnd 10pm, my terrible pain come again.

Arnd 11pm, mum came back drunk wif her fren accompany.

Keep talking to me, i cant talk much cos in pain mah..hais...

Then she say i oso don wan her liao. =.=

She actually asked everyone she kno whether she can commit suicide or not.

She keeps talking abt money,

say 3rd bro nv give her $$ and ask me to give her $$ regularly.

She oso say 3rd bro took her $10 nv go cut hair and think he go buy glues,

then she oso nv accompany him to the shop..hais..

Not possible wan me to look after so many ppl mah..

Argh...she's keep talking to me and asking me ques while i'm so unwell la.

Thought of not going work 2mor, but 2mor then see how bah,

oso donno wat time can sleep wif the pain then waking up 4am 2mor.

Posted at11:05 PM

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Name: IsAac ChOoNg LoNg XiAnG

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