I'm wrong, God's there.

The previous post was all wrong, all R based on my own analysis. I must admit tat until nw i still hav not fully trust in God, I don trust God and leaders tat they will help me and not judge me in all my mistakes..so scare facing them and sometimes real hard to be honest. My doc hav added the medicine to two, but still don seems working. I wan to run, but tat's show tat i'm giving up all tat God hav planned for me!! He said tat his plans is to give us hope and a future, not troubles..so, why am i running?

Tues just went visit my dad wif my third bro and his two church frens.. Fr tat day i do admitting for my dad i hav not visit him, and tis is the 1st time in almost 3 weeks. Am i very bad? The whole process of visit was so...donno wat to say. He lost alots of weight, keep saying wan to die & go hm, ppl keep bully him, nurse nv give him food....etc...and the environment is noisy and not gd. Just donno wat to say la! Think abt it, heart feel so weird. After the visiting, i felt really tired.. Reached hm, immediatly lied on floor and sleep.

Wednesday actually can't wake up. Work 8.45am, but woke up at 8.20am..What am i doing?? Nv bath, just brushed my teeth and took a cab rush to work. My days without breakfast and coffee was terrible. In the office facing the com, kept wanting to fell asleep.. I even kept piching myself everywhere, so as to keep myself awake.. Sad to say, even Danilyn asked where the old LongXiang, Isaac?? I did dropped a few tears and continue working. I really feel like quitting sometimes..but Danilyn was rite. Quitting mean running away and it will nv success tat way, actually wat i lack was just communications wif others.

Thurs i woke up at 8.10am, didn't even brush teeth and just took a cab..but still, reached office at 8.53am.. For ur info if permanent staffs late will hav to pay for per 1 mins to 5 mins, though i'm temp but still hav to try to keep company policy. Anyway, i really thk God for having me tis job, I learnt alots fr many ppl...like John..Maureen..Danilyn..etc. Danilyn actually see through tat the perspective i hav for myself is too perfect. I put all the burden on myself, blame myself when many things are not done in my abilities..i just can't accept myself when i keep doing wrongs. Danilyn has alots of postive perspect, there's really hav reasons behind everythings tat happening.

No matter wat happened, God just always there for me!! God really hav strong impact in my life.. Be4 we think of God, God already hav us in his mind! So how can we compare God wif worldly things? I don't know wat's ur perspective in life and wat's in ur mind, but i kno if we really concentrate and focus on something we want, we will surely get it. "its not wat we wan, but its how much we wan it to be". John is really rite, i take in too much and take them too hard. I been focus on myself! The things i done rite and the things i done wrong! Maybe tis is why i'm stuck, becos i don wan to open my life up. As wat Danilyn reminded me, "U don love urself, how can U love others?".. I really would like to learnt how to love myself, else how could i let God use me..

I know i can do many more things in work; family; church...etc.. And i hav been asking myself, how come the youngest in the house hav to take charge in the hse? How come a sinner like me don even hav the actions of changing, but God still love me; remind me; use me...etc..? Can U still be gd when every other things R bad? Jesus Christ prayed to God on the morning when he's going to face the cross, he told God to take away himself and let him follow God's ways! I'm sure if we wan, we can do it oso.

Does LongXiang still love the God who's in him for more than 5 yrs?

Hmm..Tis actually is a very gd ques that i hav been asking myself. My physcology actually said that what i'm facing is over-whelming and i was shocked that she actually asked me how i managered to cope for the past few mths.. I'm really over-stressed, just feel like shouting out; crying out and stay in a dark corner..etc..but God in my life is really so amazing. For these period of times, frankly speaking, its really a big struggle to get moving..to work, going church, going for appointments and even going hm. I hav not vist my dad for three weeks, am i a bad boy?? And my medicine don work anymore.

But somehow i still can do wat i should do..and tat's makes me more crazier. Actually my agreement with God in my batised..."San Fu"..and my agreement with Mu Shi and Mu Shi Niang..etc..keep coming out in my mind. Frankly speaking, i really don't know how to face my church and my God anymore..I know U all love me, God definately love me, i need U all and i really love God, just tat i no longer know wat is "love".

Sometimes i think i'm really like Jacob, but sometimes oso like Esau.. I really thk God for loving me and given me a heart tat love him. For he's a God for the past, present, future and even 4ever..his words and laws then shall not change any bit either. Tat's why he's the God, the creator.

I'm really sorry everyone.. I really regret starting a relationship, becos wat i need is not tat kind of love!! I just feel no where to go, but i need someone who care and love me..I really don expect anyone to come and care or love me, just tat i can't accept tat i hav to give out something to get "love". I know there's no free lunch in tis world, but i really tried my best to balance my work and my family already..I hav tried not to bring my emotions to everywhere.

I know i really let many ppl down, even myself..i give high expectations to myself. I don't know U all understand how someone feel over-stressed and but hav no entertainment or not. Anyway, i know for stress i hav done alot i shoudnt and there's no way going back, but only moving forward.

So, there's only two way.. Either i face it or i hack care and leave church.. I hav seen many needs and would like to try facing it, but pls don't blame me if i can't in the end. As long as U R willing, God is always there for U.